In 2017, thirty percent of the I’d Rather Talk™ Database responded anonymously to the 16 questions below.

We normally experience about a 60% response, but the survey launched over the busy holidays, and, well… being honest with this topic is difficult for some guys who may have hesitated to reply.

1.  Generally, I Believe Porn is:

99%  A big problem and I think it’s “a sin”  (for young men of faith).

01%  Not a big deal – doesn’t harm anyone – no one sees

0%    Is only a problem if you are married

0%    Is a problem but i don’t think it’s a sin

Participant Comments:
– Matthew 5:28 sums it up pretty well!  (“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”)

 

2.  I First Viewed Porn at Age:

31%  Age 13

19%  Age 12

19%  Age 10

13%  Age 11

13%   Age 9

5%  Younger than 8

0%  I’ve never viewed porn

Editor’s Note:  The onset of internet in the hands of children using mom and dad’s tablet / phone (or having their own tablet at 6 or 7 years old) is lowering this “first view” age.  

I read a study recently that advised the average age a boy first views porn for those born after 2000, is 8.  

Yes.  

Eight.

 

3. Briefly Describe Your First Encounter With Porn. How Did You Discover it?

(not every participant responded to this question)

– Parents had porn magazines hidden under the bed. I found them and kept sneaking a look at them whenever my parents were gone.

– I watched my first pornographic video on HBO.

– Friends house. Magazine.

– My brother showed it to me.

– Summer camp.

– Some dumb ass at school brought his dad’s stuff.

– Found a box of Playboy magazines on the side if the road while doing my paper route.

– A male cousin and I found porn in a friend’s garage. We jacked off together while looking at it.

– Looked up bikini photos on Google.

– Looked at porn at a sleepover.

– I found it in the mail. It was sent mistakenly.

– An old magazine that a neighbor/peer had in his attic.

– I was in middle school, found out through a friend.

– Found a stash of Playboy and Penthouse magazines in my dad’s home office. They were in a box he’d had since college. He apparently “forgot” they were there…

4.  The Last Time I Used Porn Was:

37%  More than 6 months Ago

19%*   The last 30 days

19%*   The last 3 days

13%*   The last 7 days

6%*    Two weeks ago

6%     Less than 6 months, but more than a month ago

0%    Every Day

0%    Multiple Times Daily

Thus, 57% have viewed porn in the last 30 days or less.

 

5.   What Triggers Porn Use for Me is:

(more than 1 item could be selected)

44%   Stress

38%   I get bored  (happens even if I am not horny)

38%  Out of the blue (just start surfing innocently and something pops up based on my surfing)

38%  INSTAGRAM

31%   Lack of sexual release (single men)

32%   Lack of sexual release with my spouse (married men)

32%  I struggle with non porn sites as well like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest.

26%  When I am alone in my dorm, apartment, or house

25%  To help me relax and go to sleep (similar reason to lack of sexual release)

19%  Just knowing available it’s on my smart phone get’s me going

13%  Just knowing it’s available on my tablet, or laptop is enough to get me going

13%  Being alone in the bathroom

10%  In the morning if I don’t get up and get busy right away

7%  Chat and Hook up Sites

6%  Cable, Dish, Netflix, Streaming Media

0%  Kik or Snapchat APPS
(Editor: I’ve talked with several that have been tripped up by Kik or Snapchat, as well as hook up sites like Tinder, OK Cupid, and Grinder – but not on this survey)

0%  I don’t think I can masturbate without porn
(Editor’s Note:  I have had more than 1 guy in my Circle answer “yes” to the last 2 answers, but none responding to the survey did.)

Thus…32% are saying their phone or laptop is a trigger.

Thought:  So 44% say stress triggers porn use.  

Guys, it is possible to ejaculate for stress relief or just normal seminal build up – without porn.

Participant Comments:
– I struggle when I’m lonely, tired, or emotionally hungry.

 

6.  Porn is Affecting My Ability to Get an Erection (without porn):

75%   Never.  I can still raise the tent without porn

19%*    Once in a while

6%*    Sometimes

0%    Yes. Most of the time, it seems I need porn to get an erection

*(Thus, 25% say that sometimes or once in a while, they can’t get an erection without a porn image)

Participant Comments:
– A couple of times, when I couldn’t get an erection, it was because i had looked porn and ejaculated earlier, then my wife wanted to have sex when I wasn’t expecting it.

It only happened a couple of times, but not being able to scared me enough to help discourage porn use.

7.  Porn Has Caused Me Concerns with Premature Ejaculation:

29%*   Once in a While

18%*   Sometimes – about half the time I ejaculate too quickly

18%   It’s an issue, but I don’t think it’s because of porn use

11%   Never.  I can last as long as I need to (No one reading this likes you LOL)

6%  It was an issue, but I was able to hold back better after I stopped using porn

(** Thus 47% state that on some occasions, they feel they have trained themselves to ejaculate too quickly, due to masturbation with porn, the elevated “rush” of porn, or the need to ejaculate quickly before getting caught.)

– Participant Comments:
I think ejaculating too soon has to do with too much infrequent sex.

– After I’ve had the first climax, once my “tent” is up again, it takes me a while before I climax again.

Editor:  Last comment not quite related to premature ejaculation, but a good point none the less.

Guys, it is super common to need recovery time after an orgasm, before you are able to get another erection or ejaculate again.

This is known at the Refractory Period.

The refractory time increase with age.

 

8.  Regarding Porn Blockers (Like Net Nanny or XXXchurch)

47%   I’ve never used a porn blocker

24%   I’ve used a porn blocker in the past – but I don’t now

12%   Blockers help / helped / are a deterrent / but not perfect

6%   Blockers help / helped me a lot

6%   I currently use a porn blocker

5%   Blockers do/ did not help me at all.  They make / made me try harder to find porn

Participant Comments:
– I used SafeEyes, but wasn’t very impressed. More of a nuisance than a help.

– We took it off as it would block other sites not related to porn.

(Editor’s Note:  Kinda surprised that 47% have never tried a blocker.  To be honest though, I have found that personal accountability to a peer or mentor my text on a regular basis is very effective.  I have some young men that text each other daily for accountability.) 

Covenant Eyes and Ever Accountable are great deterrents.  

These apps send a report to a mentor or someone you deeply trust so they can support your progress, encourage you, and help pick you back up when you stumble.

Wouldn’t you think twice before going to a site if you knew your mentor/friend was going to receive a report on the sites you visited?  

Great deterrent! It’s worked well for more than one guy in my Circle.

Net Nanny has also worked for several guys in my circle as a deterrent although it doesn’t block inappropriate I-phone Apps.

No blocker is perfect.  

But they do give you “time” to come to your senses so you can decide to take The Way of Escape  out.

9.  Regarding My Spouse and Porn

(37%      I am not married)

28%     We’ve talked about it, but she doesn’t know how much or how badly I struggle

23%     She knows it all

06%     I haven’t struggled since I’ve been married

06%     I’ve never talked about porn with my spouse

Participant Comments:
– I have complete understanding and forgiveness about my past (from my wife).  I’m thankful I haven’t had to confess viewing porn since we’ve been married.

– She doesn’t want me to use it. But sometimes it’s hard for me not to use it with our sexual frequency not as high as I would like or need.

– My wife is understanding and supportive.

– My wife was understanding.

– She said, “Stop being a dick!”

– She was very hurt and nervous I would have an affair. She felt as though she wasn’t enough (for me sexually).

10.     Porn Has Affected My Marriage

(37%      I am not married)

32%*     A little

19%       Not at all

06%*     It did affect us, but not now

06%*     Some – it’s been a problem between us

0%      It’s critical – porn is really affecting our marriage

Editor:  *Thus, 44% are saying that, at some point, porn has affected their marriage, in the past or present.

Glad to see no one is in the critical stage.  Over 33 years of mentoring, I have watched 2 friends lose their marriage specifically over porn.  It can be a critical destroyer of trust.

A study by Dr. Jill Manning found that 56 percent of divorces involved a spouse with a pornography obsession.

 

Participant Comments:
– There was a stretch when my wife and I hadn’t had sex in a while. One of her concerns was that I was looking at porn. I’m so glad I could tell her that was not the case.

– It had been a struggle mainly when there was no sex with my spouse.

– It’s caused her to get upset when she realized it was being used a few times.

– Honesty, understanding, and Jesus have kept my wife and I close together and unified us, regardless of sins either of us have struggled with.

– I’m thankful, by the grace of God, that I’m free of it.

 

11.    Porn has Hurt Me in the Following Areas

(more than 1 item could be selected)

30%     Stolen valuable time

26%     My relationship with God / Hearing from God

13%     Self Confidence / Self Esteem

13%     Ability to concentrate fully at school or work

06%     Relationship with my family / friends

06%     Ability to perform normal sexual activity

04%     Relationship with my spouse

02%     Wasted my money (buying porn, or missing work or school to view porn)

00%     I’ve never used porn

 

12.     I Have Someone I Can Be Real With About Porn

33%     Mentor with whom I meet regularly

28%     Peers / Buddies (we regularly support each other)

17%*     I don’t talk with anyone about this

07%*     I don’t talk with anyone about this, but I need to / want to

06%*     I’ve had accountability in the past, but now right now

05%    I don’t need to talk about it because I don’t use porn any more

04%     Other

00%     Accountability Partner or Accountability Group

00%     Pastor

00%     Professional Counselor

 *Editor:  Thus, 30% don’t talk with anyone about porn right now.  

And it looks like no Millenials in the survey are talking to their pastors, or have accountability groups.  

Hmmmm…  

Church!!  Why don’t we have an outlet for men to talk about this? Or should I say a safe, non judgmental outlet?

Participant Comments:
– A mentor has been the only one I’ve talked to about this.  I haven’t brought up the subject to my peer group.

– I found someone (to be accountable to) and quit cold-turkey.  I no longer have an ounce of desire for it. Even reading this entire survey about it, I am not getting a rush from it or want to look it up again.

– Having close guy friends helps 🙂

– I’ve talked to my spouse.   Although, I wish I had a male friend to talk with also without feeling judged.**

** Editor:  I don’t know who you are since our survey was anonymous, but you can send me an IM or email me privately on this site. 

I will talk with you opening and freely about porn or other sexual concerns.  

It’s like a weight is lifted when you can talk with a trusted friend or mentor.  

No judgement!  Always between us.

 

13.     I Consider Myself

39%*     Mostly Free – It’s rarely a struggle

28%*     Having success regularly with a few “miss it” times

26%      Completely Free.  It’s not a struggle any more

07%*     Starting to get free – seeing the light a little

00%+     Deep in the Porn Dungeon – Always on my mind.

Editor: *Thus, 74% still have some porn use, ranging from mostly free, to a few “miss it” times, to seeing the light.

+Note:  I’ve had several guys in my circle in the the Porn Dungeon at some point in their life.  None responded (or responded honestly) in this survey.  If you are in the Porn Dungeon – don’t despair.  It’s conquerable!

Participant Comments:
– I haven’t let myself go there in so long that it’s not even something I think about anymore.

– I’ve made so much progress. I am not giving up. The biggest struggles come when sex with my wife is absent or infrequent.

– I am choosing to stand free. Porn is always a tendency, but something I continually fight against.  I keep close friends in on it (accountability).

14.    How Does / Did Porn Affect Your Life the Most?

Participant Comments:

(not every participant responded to this question)

– It hinders my relationship with God

– It gave me misconceptions about sex

– It makes me insecure

– It crushed my confidence

– It robbed my marriage

– It makes me want to kill everyone – makes me so angry

– It brings me guilt and condemnation

– It hurt my self-confidence and my walk with God

– It steals me from Jesus

– It helps me get aroused as my wife’s desire for sex isn’t near as high as mine

– Kept me on an emotional / spiritual / physical roller coaster

– Creates unrealistic expectations for the female body and distorts real life sexual experiences

– I felt like I had (to have) this release nightly – I never worried about showing my girlfriend the same affection.  Also, I wanted more sex because that was what I was used to seeing nightly.

– Made me feel weak, embarrassed, and ashamed.

15.  What’s Worked For Me / My Tips for Overcoming Are:

Participant Comments:

– Whenever I am tempted, I think to myself:  “God is watching.”  Kind of breaks the moment.  I’ve been clean for two years!

– I, like most males, have had periods of my life where I viewed porn regularly.

– It’s not easy, and will probably always be a weakness that I should never take for granted. Guilt is not a great thing to dwell on because God’s grace is enough to cover all sin. But, for me though, I often meditate on the guilt that I will feel if I choose to view porn. That feeling is generally enough for me to abstain.

– Having a firm understanding of how it damages my marriage, and ultimately my relationship with God, is a daunting reality that should scare us to our core. God is good, and will forgive us, but some damage can’t be undone. Don’t let it conquer you and let it scare you enough to keep you running away every time the temptation is there.

– Don’t take your phone in the bathroom! – hard but true. I go to bed early with my wife.  Keeps the temptations away.

– Getting real about it. My girlfriend (now my wife) said she would not put up with it. Reading books about sexual sin. Knowing my triggers and protecting myself.

– Coming clean to my spouse was the hardest thing. But it was also the most helpful thing in becoming free.

– Call Mark.  (Editor: This made me laugh)

– Renewing my mind with the Bible.

– Being accountable.  Talking with other trusted guy friends.

– Transparency.

– Keeping myself from getting bored when I know my (sexual) desire is high.

– Keeping busy.

– Praying through temptation.

– Reminding myself that a mistake does not define who I am.

– Being honest and asking my wife for sex and not allowing her or anything to get in the way.  Being intentional about having sex with her, i.e., knowing I have to prime her pump vs. often expecting microwave sex (men’s preference).  Listening to her sexual needs and not being selfish (makes for better sex).

– Pray. Find someone who makes you want to change.

– I try to make sure I’m not alone with my computer very often. If I’m feeling the urge, I try to find someone to hang out with so I don’t give in.

16.     My Victory Over Porn Was / Will Be:

80%     Taking Steps (keep chipping away – 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, still getting to victory)

20%     Instant (I went cold turkey and never looked back)

0%       I have never struggled with porn

Participant Comments:
– I had a venture into dude porn (gay porn)** in high school. That ended cold-turkey when I eventually told my parents. In college, I took a brief side-journey into “regular” (straight) porn. The victory from that time was more gradual, but steady with the help of a mentor. His non-judgmental accountability was amazing, especially as I was trying to quit the habit.

– Taking steps, like going 3 days, then a week, then 2 weeks, then a month, (without porn) is what has helped me conquer. You can’t give up. Even if you miss it.

**Editor:  A number of guys in my Circle have confided in me about viewing gay porn, sometimes long-term, but more often, temporarily.  

In mentoring, I’ve found that guys in their teens and 20’s have a certain level of curiosity about the sexuality of other males.  Curiosity is a normal part of maturing.  

You don’t have to pin a same-sex label on yourself (I’m not a fan of any labels anyway) – or choose a same-sex life style if you don’t want to. 

One study shows 66% of males have had some sexual interaction with another male (such as simple jacking off together while viewing porn or other temporary sexual interaction).  

Gentlemen, don’t freak.  

A curiosity moment doesn’t mean you won’t or can’t love a woman if you want to.

---

That’s it guys!

Great insights!

I thank each of you who participated.

Your struggles, insights, and victories over porn will help another brother on his journey out.