| Mark Edward |

I raised 3 daughters.

I absolutely loved the journey. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

#thehouseofestrogen has been an often used hashtag over the years in my posts. And for good reason.

At times I’ve felt like I was flooded with estrogen. Drowning in it even, bahaha.

But with the help of my mentors and my God, I’ve learned to adapt to – and not fight – the power of estrogen.

Flow with it even.

Or try to.

My previous post “25 Tips for Fathers of Sons” is one of my favorite writings for dads.

I’ve adapted some of those tips with some personal experiences and appropriate adjustments for daughters – and added some that apply more to daughters than to sons.

Dads of daughters, and future dads with daughters. Grab a latte. I know you’ll identify.

Enjoy!

My girls, Victoria, Kasey, and Sierra, and I
Bodega Bay, California, August, 2004

Raising girls was at times, overwhelming at the very least.

The moment I thought I was doing pretty well, their needs changed, and it was time for me to adapt.

Not time for them to adapt. Time for me to adapt.

I shared this in my post “25 Tips for Fathers of Sons” and it bears repeating:

So you didn’t have a good role model on how to be an effective father?

Good News!

The tips shared here are learned behaviors.

It’s never too late. Start now.

Ask.

One of the basics I have learned as a father of daughters is, they will tell you what they need.

If you are not sure. Ask. Wives work that way too!

My daughters gave me some tips for this post – because I took the time to ask.

Presence. Not Presents.

We need to be present. Involved.

More listening. Less solving.

More affection. Less direction.

(Jupiter Images / Polka Dot Images / Getty Images)

As I wrote previously about parenting sons, the same spirit of humility as a parent is needed with daughters. If we are:

open to change
willing to listen and learn from our mentors, our peers – and our daughters
willing to humble ourselves and admit when we miss it
striving to listen to The Spirit down on the inside of us…

…we can indeed raise girls into powerful godly young women.

The nuggets I want to share with you today can apply to pre-teen girls, older teen girls, and 20 somethings as they become a young women.

They can be modified as your daughter grows through each stage of her teen life and young womanhood.

Dads, take what speaks to your heart, apply it to your daughter, and make these intentional engagements with your her.

Don’t be overwhelmed by all 25 tips! Be intentional with just 1 a week or 1 a month!

Intentional.

(Shutterstock)

1. Remember, She is Your Valued Daughter. Forever.

Nothing can change that. Tell her often and out loud:

Nothing you will ever do could make me love you more.

Nothing you will ever do could make me love you less.

There will be conflicts as she grows, spreads her wings, and finds her way.

Don’t let the changes separate you. Let the changes bring you closer.

Respect the differences.

If she seems distant, God may be working in her. Be determined to treat her as your valued daughter forever.

Tell her often that you are confident that your love for her will never change.

You’re like, “Um, I don’t look like that Dad!”
Yet.
I don’t either. But I will in 2038.
And you will too. In 2063.

It Goes By So Fast Guys!!

2. She Always Loves You and Needs You

She will never outgrow her desire and need to be affectionately loved, encouraged, admired, and cared for by you.

Even when she doesn’t text back right away. Or at all.

Even when she doesn’t return your call.

Her busy life – the sometimes overwhelming pressures of life – might distract her. Sometimes she may isolate when she is struggling. It’s not healthy – but many daughters do.

She doesn’t yet have the capacity to return unconditional love as you have. You’ve got 25 years or more on her.

Don’t worry when she takes takes her “space.”

(Shutterstock)

3. Give Her Space to Be a Woman

Don’t smother her.

If you are trying to “make” her see things your way, you are wasting your time.

She needs time to think.

Our dad didn’t solve all of our problems. But he was THERE for us.

(Actual Quote from my Daughters)

She needs time to solve.

She needs time to hear from God.

(Shutterstock)

4. Trust Her

Men, if your daughter feels you don’t trust her, how will she ever be comfortable opening her soul to you?

She will make many mistakes.

Did I say MANY? Yes I did.

So did you. Don’t belittle.

Yes – discipline (when they are younger) – but don’t punish.

Do you ever see Jesus being harsh with the sheep in his parables? He had compassion for them. He wept over the city.

In John 8:11, Jesus was not harsh with the woman caught in adultery. Instead, He said to her,

“I don’t condemn you. Go your way and don’t sin any more.”

He gave healthy direction. He didn’t condemn.

5. Accept Her Friends and Dates – Despite Differences in Generations

This one can be REALLY hard!

Daughters are going to experiment with friendships and dates, far beyond your own Millenial “expectations.”

If manipulation or unhealthy behaviors are involved, you can talk about it while they live under your roof.

Yet, there comes a point, where parenting “ends” – and you become “friend.”

You become “adviser” – only giving advice when asked.

In the late teens and 20’s, don’t destroy your influence as a friend by still trying to “parent.”

(Getty)

6. Be Transparent.

Admit when you are wrong.

Teach her how to apologize.

Teach her how to forgive.

The best way to teach forgiveness is with your own actions of forgiveness. First and foremost toward her mother.

You harbor unforgiveness? So will she.

You forgive? So will she.

7. Be Positive

Refuse to wound her.

Harsh words wound. Instead, let your words bring healing.

It’s OK to be angry, but don’t direct your anger toward her. Direct it toward a situation or a behavior.

Not at her person, her personality, her physique (her looks), or her soul.

Your actions / Your behavior was wrong — but my love and affection for you has not changed.

Yes be honest.

Don’t wound.

And the timing of your words is everything. Let your words be timely, like apples of gold in settings of silver.

(Proverbs 25:11).

8. Teach Her that She is a Daughter of God.

The most important lesson you could teach your daughter is that she is a daughter of God.

She has rights and privileges in God.

She is fully accepted by God.

She belongs to God.

God cares about every detail of her life.

Dad, you directed us spiritually. Then when we became “of age,” you let us make our own spiritual choices. They weren’t always your choices.

– Actual Quotes from my Daughters

God will guide her.

God will never forsake her.

Point your kids in the right direction —
when they’re old they won’t be lost.

Proverbs 22:6 – The Message

(Shutterstock)

9. Security. Safety. Comfort.

Gentlemen, security, safety, and comfort, are a woman’s primary needs (among others).

This applies to our daughters. And our wives.

Do everything in your power to make your home a haven, your vehicles well maintained and safe, and offer your arms and words of comfort.

You don’t have to say a lot.

Even if a potentially scary situation seems harmless to you – they have a woman’s intuition we don’t possess. Listen to them.

Listen to what they are not saying.

10. Teach Her About Money

If a young woman can’t manage her money, she will struggle as a wife and mother.

Managing her money includes lessons about:

Spending with boundaries (it’s OK to spend – it’s OK to enjoy the fruit of her labors)
Saving (it’s important to save regularly. Try to save a minimum of 10% or more)
Giving (sowing into good causes and non-profits – sowing into the lives of those in need)

Help her open a debit account, a savings account, and a credit card account. And later, investment accounts.

Start with a low limit, zero or low-interest credit card.

(Shutterstock)

Teach her by example, how to balance her debit card, and check it on-line.

Talk about the benefits of building credit by charging a few items (never more than 1/2 the limit), paying it off each month, and paying it on time.

Talk about late charges and over the limit fees!

Get ideas for helping her manage her money HERE.

My Firstborn, Victoria, First Paycheck, First Job
Oaxacafe Coffee Shop, June 2007

11. Teach Her About Work Ethics

When I interviewed my daughters for this post, they brought up the subject of strong work ethics.

They were glad that we had taught them to take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors. At school, and on their jobs. They sure didn’t seem to like it at the time, haha.

They have always been admired at school and on their jobs for their integrity. They keep their word.

Dads – work ethics are more “caught” then “taught.” If you don’t have a good work ethic, chances are, they won’t either.

Dad taught us how to be real and not shallow.

Actual Quotes from my Daughters

istock

12. Having Conversations about Sex, Boys, Social Media, and the Internet – is an Ongoing Lifestyle

If you think you can wait to have that “big talk” at age 11, you are late to the party, dads.

Really late.

You might say, “well sex discussions are her mom’s job.” Yes, mom may be present. Mom will have input.

You are still the leader.

(Shutterstock)

That means talking about her periods.

Talking about boundaries on the social media. Who to block.

I personally called more than one dude who sexted my daughter when she was a minor. I scared the living piss out of them too.

(A different word than piss came to my mind, but I am suppose to set a good example here.)

Conversations about dating boundaries.

That means knowing who she is dating.

Before she goes on the date.

(Getty Images)

When my girls were first going on dates in their early and middle teens, I took the role of setting boundaries myself with the dates.

Both with the boy (or young man if he is) and my daughter in the same room.

Yes.

I told them they would not be having sex with my daughter. That her body was for her husband.

Sometimes my daughters hated it, but as they aged, they appreciated it.

As they neared their late teens, I stopped those meetings. You can’t be the penis police. There comes a day when they make their own sexual decisions.

Just like you did.

Yes. We had internet and phone boundaries with
our daughters in their early and middle teens.

Time Limits? Yep.

Cell Phone Checks at Any Time? Yep.

Parental Control Software? Yep.

We had the Social Media Passwords? Yep.

Sexual discussions should be open and calm. A normal part of family life.

Stay cool when you learn your daughter has been curious or has experimented.

It is common for girls to experiment with other girls (and boys) in their teens, and even twenties. Don’t condemn them to hell for their curiosity.

Many girls and young women also go through a phase of same-sex attraction. Deep admiration for someone of the same gender.

Don’t freak.

Instead, build confidence between you and your daughter by having these discussions regularly, unforced, and natural.

Some girls struggle with porn too. It’s not just boys. Yes. Go there. Have those discussions.

How will you react when you learn she has sexted?

How will you react if you find out that she masturbates?

Further, are you prepared for how you will respond when you learn she’s had sex before marriage? Or sexual activity with another woman?

What if her curiosity with another woman becomes permanent?

Will you condemn her? Or embrace her?

So you don’t think you can have these conversations with her? Then another man will.

Yes, having mom involved is vital. If mom is not available, then include a healthy female relative or female mentor.

(Getty Images)

13. Help Her with Boundaries

Every young woman needs boundaries.

Boundaries outline what is acceptable in her life, ethically, morally, and sexually. “Fences” that keep the bad out. And “gates” that let the good in (Cloud and Townsend).

These discussions are based on character, integrity, and the Word of God. When she is younger, you and mom can set them.

As she matures, encourage her to set her own boundaries. Self discipline. Even into her twenties.

Be a source of wisdom for her — but with time, let her set the boundaries.

If she sets them, she’ll be more likely to keep them.

(Shutterstock)

14. Help Her with Woman Journey Goals

It is just as vital for girls and young women to set goals, as it is for boys.

Without goals, what do you have to reach for?

The goals a 15-year-old sets will be very different from the goals a 23 year old sets. Goals also change.

Affirm her goals. Even if they are not your goals. Usually, they won’t be.

You can’t live your life vicariously through her.

15. Her Problems are Not Always Your Problems

This is so important to remember as your daughter reaches womanhood in her late teens and into her twenties.

They can feel like your problems, because her problems often impact you, your wife, and your other children.

Yet, you can not — and should not — try to solve every one of her problems.

If she never solves any, how will she ever become good at problem solving?

You should encourage your wife to cease from solving all of her problems.

That is called enabling.

You might need to help your wife “let go” and refrain from solving all of your daughter’s problems too.

(Maria Fagerström, 25, flys jets for a living.)

16. Let Her Fly Often – With Her in the Pilot Seat

The more your daughter pilots, the more skilled she will be as a pilot.

By “pilot,” I simply mean, “Let her lead.”

Don’t leave. Stay in the co-pilot chair. She will still need you in bad weather. In storms. When the aircraft malfunctions.

Keep co-piloting. Or go back to the lounge if you need a break from each other!

But don’t leave the plane.

“There are two things that we should give our children: One is Roots. The other is Wings.”

— Hodding Carter

Eventually – and this is a difficult bridge to cross – you will be giving her up to another person.

Practice that “separation” now Dads – eventually you will leave the plane and she and her spouse will fly together.

You’ll reunite at the airport. Sometimes, literally.

My Middle Daughter
Independent
She Definitely Likes to Learn Things on Her Own

17. Let Her Learn Some Things on Her Own

Sometimes the hard way.

By failing. By making mistakes. Painful mistakes.

Life as a young woman will not be free of pain.

Do not shield your daughter from pain.

She’ll be stronger by experiencing pain. By learning to rely upon her God and encouraging herself through pain.

I think dad’s should listen more. And offer less advice.

Girls need as much time with their Dad as with their Mom.

Actual Quotes from My Daughters

Yes – still be there.

But talk less.

Lead less.

Let her lead some.

Jamie and I and our firstborn, Victoria

18. As She Matures, More Often Than Not, Wait for Her to Ask for Your Help.

The need for you to “offer” help will decrease as she ages from her late teens into her early 20’s.

I can tell you in my parenting experience, the timing for this adjustment occurred at a different age for each of my girls.

You will want to be sensitive to your daughter’s needs and where she is in her growth. Pray and ask God to lead you.

If she is at the edge of destruction or on the brink of a disastrous or life threatening decision, The Spirit of God may lead you to intervene.

Still – intervene with a spirit of love – not judgement.

By the early to mid 20’s, your daughter should be making many decisions on her own, and asking for your help less often.

Sierra, my youngest.
She is an Anorexia Nervosa survivor.
She was hospitalized over 800 days during a 6 year span. She conquered!

19. When She Does Come to You for Advice, Offer it Once

No Strings Attached.

Then leave it at that. Let her make her own decision.

Depending on your daughter’s personality, a gentle reminder at a later time may be appropriate – like when she is in crisis, distracted, hurting in her relationships or struggling internally.

Yet, don’t hound her. I hounded too much. I had to pull back.

Be there. Sometimes in silence.

Sometimes, just a hug or a caring arm.

Me and my middle daughter, Kasey.
DI Coffee Bar, Davis Islands, Florida

20. She May Not Always Take Your Advice

Advice is different than House Rules.

If she lives with you, she should seek to follow your occasional directives, instructions, and House Rules – out of respect for you, regardless of her age.

On the other hand, advice is just that.

Advice.

Unlike instructions or House Rules, advice gives the listener a choice.

As she hits her late teens and early twenties, your instructions will decrease.

It’s up to her to choose what she will do — and how she will live.

(Shutterstock)

21. You May Not Always Agree

Dads, don’t lose heart when you disagree.

There will be situations where you know you are “right” as a dad.

Disagree agreeably. Disagreement is the spice of long-lasting relationships.

Keep loving.

Keep trusting.

Keep embracing.

If she comes to you admitting a wrong choice, never respond with “I told you so,” or “I knew you would come around…”

Victoria and I on a Daddy Daughter Date
Looking at trucks.
We’ve bucked heads many times.
We always kiss and make up.

“I told you so,” only shows your displeasure with her, and that you didn’t trust her during the disagreement.

Smile and say, “I know God is leading you. – I am proud of you…”

When you believe it, your daughter will believe it.

When her choices aren’t the wisest, call those things that be not, as though they were.

Speak life over her.

My Oldest, Victoria

22. Have Fun

Stop taking life so seriously.

Stop focusing on what’s not working.

Take a break from the issues.

Live drama free.

Living with 4 women, I am still working on that one, haha.

Do what she loves.

Do what she loves with her.

23. Let Her Interests Become Your Interests

I have been a successful musician most of my life.

For many years I served as a Worship Leader. I was Chief of Staff at a large church.

Yet, I didn’t try to make my girls in to musicians. Or indicate they would only go to heaven if they were on a church staff or volunteered their life away at church every week-end.

My Youngest and I on a Starbucks Date
She shaved her head in memory of her grandmother’s loss of hair
during cancer.

24. Have Dates Together – Just You and Her

This might seem like a given.

But I am surprised how many dads don’t make time for one on one dates with their daughters. Sons, maybe. But not their daughters.

When it’s just you and her, with no distractions and no moms, other sisters, or brothers, your daughter has the opportunity to open up and share her heart.

Listen more than you talk.

Love more than trying to solve.

25. Offer Words Of Affirmation.

Often.

Daily.

“I love you and I am so proud of you!”

“I believe in you!”

“I miss you and can’t wait to be with you soon!”

Dads! Do this until you die.

(Thinkstock)

26. Never Stop Giving Her Affection.

(Twenty Six? Yep. I couldn’t decide what to cut, so you get a freebee.)

Never.

I’m gonna park on this one minute.

Men, please. Listen:

Don’t withhold affection from your daughter because she is a female and you are a male.

Yes, the way you show affection will change as they mature into young women.

They may prefer side hugs or front hugs with a more distant embrace. Go by their lead.

(Adobe Stock)

Yet, the power of an affirming hand and loving arm from Dad is so crucial to your daughter understanding how to recognize and receive non sexual love.

I have spoken with young women – girlfriends and wives of the men I mentor – who feel distant and isolated from their fathers.

They live in close proximity to their dads, but feel like orphans, emotionally.

Don’t.

Let.

That.

Be.

You.

(Bigstock)

Affection can be actions – more than just hugs:

– Talking or walking arm in arm sometimes.

– Warm and generous words of love and acceptance.

Beautiful Girl, I am proud of you. You have what it takes to be a strong woman. You can do all God has for you…

– Watching a Chick Flick laying on the floor together with a bunch of pillows and her pink fuzzy blanket.

– Painting her nails. Getting your nails painted. A pedicure together!

– Regular, “I love you girl!” expressions. Say it like you mean it.

– Laughter. Lots of it.

– Emotion. Shed tears with her — when it really hurts. Or when joy is huge.

Show your daughter that tears, sadness, anger, disappointment, and other emotions are permitted – and healthy.

– Conversations that you both know will always remain private between her and you.

You don’t tell anyone.

Including her mom.

It goes both ways: Tell her things you’ve never told anyone else.

Being REAL builds unbreakable life long trust.

2012 – Ozark, Missouri

– Physical Touch – A Fatherly shoulder rub or foot rub now and then.

Some dads reading this will say inside, “that’s weird, not me.”

All of my daughters have received shoulder rubs when they asked, during times of stress. Give them appropriately and with kindness and respect.

All of these actions demonstrate acceptance and affection.

Your daughter will never outgrow her need for fatherly, masculine, affection. Ever.

When you are 83 and she is 53, she will still need the affection of her dad.

Don’t wait for her to ask for it.

Offer affection freely.

(Getty)

Gentlemen, this is not an all-encompassing list!

Make adjustments for the needs of your daughter.

Have you taken the time to know what her needs are?

I challenge you to purposefully put these suggestions into action. Add actions of your own.

Today.

What Steps Can you Take to Strengthen, Build, and Nourish Your Journey with Your Daughter?

This post is dedicated to my wife, Jamie.

I didn’t have sisters. So aside from growing up with my mother, I had quite a lot to learn about girls and young women.

Jamie, you have been patient with me, and lovingly advised me (instead of bossing me) when I’ve been off track in parenting.

You’ve made the #houseofestrogen the inviting place it is. I love you.

2013 – Tallahassee, Florida

GOT SONS?

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