| Mark Edward |

So I raised 3 daughters.

What could a dad like me possibly know about parenting boys?

Over the last 41 years, I’ve had the honor and joy of journeying with over 200 young men in a mentoring role.

Being directly involved in their growth – some for a season – and many over the long haul, I feel like I’ve helped raise a few boys too. Plus… well — I was one.

A number of them have stayed at our home, sometimes for extended periods.

They tell me stuff.

I listen.

And, having beautiful daughters, there have always been plenty of boys hanging around my house, bahaha.

Parenting boys and raising them into healthy young men in the 21st century is a daunting task, and overwhelming at the very least.

So you didn’t have a good role model on how to be an effective father? Good News! The tips I will share are learned behaviors.

And. It’s never too late. Start now.

Circle Demographics

A while back, the median age of my readers was 27.2, with the highest percentage of young men being age 24.

Fifty three percent of my reader base were married.

So I guess it’s no surprise that a couple of the “young” men that came into my Circle 15 years ago are now over 40 (that’s you Jeremy Sean, Dave Martin, and Michael Garland). A few have kids in their teens. Crazy!

Artiga Photo/Corbis

Like a Body Needs Skin.

One of the basics I have learned as a mentor and a surrogate father to many young men is, they need us Dads, like a body needs skin.

They need us to be THAT close.

We need to be present. Involved.

More listening. Less solving.

More affection. Less direction.

I passionately believe that if we dads will:

be open to change
be willing to listen and learn from our mentors, our peers – and our sons
humble ourselves and admit when we miss it
listen to our own spirit and The Spirit down on the inside of us…

…we can indeed raise boys into admirable, healthy, young men.

The nuggets I want to share with you today can apply to pre-teen boys, older teens, and 20 somethings as they begin their Man Journey.

They can and should be modified as your son grows through each stage of his teen life and young manhood.

Dads — take what speaks to your heart, apply it to your son, and make these intentional engagements with your son.

Ah. So You Are Not a Dad. Yet.

Maybe you are a son.

Crying out to experience some of the things you are about to read.

If your Dad can’t – or won’t – be there, I am standing with you that you will find healthy father figures or mentors to encourage you, journey with you, and love you, the way a healthy, emotionally connected Dad should.

Young men – dad’s to be – you will identify with this post as well.

So, out of the well of my fatherly heart, I offer a few Dad Tips:

1. Remember, He is Your Treasured Son. Forever

Nothing can change that.

Nothing you will ever do could make me love you more. Nothing you will ever do could make me love you less.

There will be conflicts as he grows, spreads his wings, and finds his way.

Don’t let the changes separate you. Let the changes bring you closer.

Respect the differences.

If he seems distant, remember he needs time alone to process life. Be determined to treat him as your treasured son forever.

Tell him often that you are confident that your love for him personally – will never change.

2. He Always Loves You and Needs You

Regardless of his maturity, your son will never outgrow his desire and need to be affectionately loved, encouraged, admired, and cared for by you.

Dad.

Even when he doesn’t text back.

Even when he doesn’t return your call.

His busy life – the sometimes overwhelming pressures of life – might distract him. Sometimes he may isolate when he is struggling. It’s not healthy – but they do.

He doesn’t yet have the capacity to love as you have. You’ve a got 25 years on him.

Don’t worry when he takes takes his “space.”

3. Give Him Space to Be a Man

Don’t smother him.

Don’t Mother him.

He needs time to think.

He needs time to solve.

Depending on your Faith, he needs time to hear from God.

4. Trust Him

Men, if your son feels you don’t trust him, how will he ever be comfortable opening his soul to you?

He will make many mistakes.

So did you. Don’t punish.

Yes – discipline (when they are younger) – but don’t punish.

Do you ever see Christ being harsh with the sheep in his parables? He had compassion for them. He wept over the city.

Was the Father in Luke 15 harsh with his prodigal son? When the son truly repented, his father restored him to all of his rights and privileges as a son.

5. Be Transparent.

Admit when you are wrong.

Teach him how to apologize.

Teach him how to forgive.

6. Be Positive

Refuse to wound him.

Harsh words wound. Instead, let your words bring healing.

It’s OK to be angry, but don’t direct your anger toward him. Direct it toward a situation or a behavior.

Not at his person, his personality, his physique (his looks), or his soul.

“Your actions / Your behavior was wrong — but my love and affection for you has not changed.”

Yes, shoot him straight.

Yes be honest.

Don’t wound.

And the timing of your words is everything. Let your words be timely, like apples of gold in settings of silver (Proverbs 25:11).

7. Teach Him about Son-ship with God.

The most important lesson you could teach your son is that he is also a Son of the Most High God (#SOTMHG).

He is fully accepted by God.

He belongs to God.

God cares about every detail of his life.

God will guide him.

God will never forsake him.

I’m not here to change your faith or your religion. I’ll simply say that young men who are taught to Anchor their life in God have the most success and the most personal confidence and security as young men.

8. Teach Him About Money

If a young man can’t manage his money, he will struggle as a husband and a father.

Managing his money, includes lessons about:

Spending with boundaries (it’s OK to spend – it’s OK to enjoy the fruit of your labors)
Saving (it’s important to save regularly)
Giving (sowing into good causes and non-profits – sowing into the lives of those in need)

Help him open a debit account, a savings account, and a credit card account. And later, investment accounts.

Start with a low limit, low-interest credit card.

Teach him by example, how to balance his debit card, and check it on-line.

Talk about the benefits of building credit by charging a few items (never more than 1/2 the limit), paying it off each month, and paying it on time.

Avoid late charges and over the limit fees!

Get ideas for helping him manage his money HERE.

9. Having Conversations about Sex is an Ongoing Lifestyle

Dads, If you think you can wait to have that “big talk” at age 13, you are late to the party.

Really late.

Before the internet, the average age a boy first viewed porn was 11.

In the internet age, some researchers have lowered that first contact with porn to age 8.

Yes. Eight.

One study shows the median age boys begin masturbating is 10. And while they may not ejaculate until 13, a significant number masturbate regularly at 10 or above.

By age 6-8, you should already be talking about sexuality in terms a 6 or 8-year-old can understand of course.

Sexual discussions should be open and calm. A normal part of family life.

Stay cool when you learn your son has been curious or has experimented.

It is common for boys to experiment with other boys (and girls) in their teens, and even twenties. Don’t condemn them to hell for their curiosity.

Many boys and young men also go through a phase of same-sex attraction. Hero worship. Deep admiration for someone of the same gender.

Don’t freak.

Instead, build confidence between you and your son by having these discussions regularly, unforced, and natural.

Biggest Lesson: “Son, you are not dirty for being horny or for having sexual thoughts.”

26.3 times daily.

How will you react when you catch him looking at porn?

How will you react if you accidentally find him masturbating?

Further, are you prepared for how you will respond when you learn he’s had sex before marriage? Or sexual activity with another male. Will you condemn him. Or embrace him?

Have these conversations with your son now. Don’t wait.

You can read more about masturbation in the life of single young men HERE.

10. Help Him with Boundaries

Every boy and young man needs boundaries.

Boundaries outline what is acceptable in his life, ethically, morally, and sexually. These discussions are based on character, integrity, and again – depending on your family’s faith – the Word of God.

Encourage him to have boundaries. Self Discipline. Even into his twenties.

Be a source of wisdom for him — but let him set the boundaries.

If your son sets the boundaries, he’ll be more likely to keep them.

11. Help Him with Man Journey Goals

I’ve helped many young men set and achieve their goals as a single man, prior to marriage.

These steps are part of completing their “foundation.” Foundational goals should be accomplished before they are ready to build on that foundation – with a spouse. Read more about helping him with his Man Journey HERE.

The goals a 15-year-old sets will be very different from the goals a 23 year old sets.

Goals also change. As a dad, you must allow them to change.

12. His Problems are Not Always Your Problems

This is so important to remember as your son reaches manhood in his late teens and into his twenties.

They might feel like your problems, because his problems often impact you, your wife, and your other children.

Yet, you can not — and should not — try to solve every one of his problems. If he never solves any, how will he ever become good at problem solving?

You should encourage your wife to cease from solving all his problems. That is called enabling.

You might need to help your wife “cut the apron strings” as your son reaches late teens, and definitely by his early twenties! Mothers of young men should not be texting them every hour.

Read more about your wife and son cutting the apron strings HERE.

13. Let Him Fly Often – With Him in the Pilot Seat

The more your son pilots, the more skilled he will be as a pilot.

Don’t leave. Stay in the co-pilot chair. He’ll still need you in bad weather. In storms. When the aircraft malfunctions. Don’t leave his airplane. Just co-pilot.

“There are two things that we should give our children: One is Roots. The other is Wings.” — Hodding Carter

Shutterstock

14. Let Him Learn Some Things on His Own

Sometimes the hard way.

By failing. By mistakes. Painful mistakes.

Life as a young male will not be free of pain. Do not shield your son from pain.

He’ll be stronger through experiencing pain by learning to rely upon his God and encouraging himself through pain.

Yes – still be there.

But talk less. Listen more.

Lead less.

And. Let him lead some.

Image by © Oliver Rossi/Corbis

15. As He Matures, More Often Than Not, Wait for Him to Ask for Your Help.

The need for you to “offer” help will decrease as he ages from his mid to late teens, into his early 20’s.

I can tell you in my mentoring experience, the timing for this adjustment is different for every young man.

You will want to be sensitive to your son’s needs and where he is in his growth. Ask for wisdom from other experienced dads.

If he is at the edge of destruction or on the brink of a disastrous or life threatening decision, you may be lead in your own spirit to intervene.

Still – intervene with a spirit of love – not judgement.

By the early 20’s, your son should be making most decisions on his own, and asking for your help less often.

16. When He Does Come to You for Advice, Offer it Once

No Strings Attached.

Then leave it at that. Let him make his own decision.

Depending on your son’s personality, a gentle reminder at a later time may be appropriate – like when he is in crisis, distracted, hurting in his relationships or struggling internally.

Yet — don’t hound him.

Dad Tip: Your son’s perceived success – or temporary lack there of – is not about “you.”

Let up on ‘The Pressure’ to be ‘The Best’ at ‘Everything!’

Be there. Sometimes in silence. Listen.

Sometimes, just a hug or a locking of arms.

17. He May Not Always Take Your Advice

Advice is different than House Rules.

If he lives with you, he should seek to follow your occasional directives, instructions, and House Rules – out of respect for you, regardless of his age. On the other hand, advice is just that. Advice.

Unlike instructions or House Rules, advice gives the listener a choice.

As he hits his late teens and early twenties, your advice will decrease.

It’s up to him to choose what he will do — and how he will live. Though mamma might “want” it, a guy over 21 doesn’t really need a curfew. Apron strings!

18. You May Not Always Agree

This will be especially true in his mid to late teens, and twenties.

Dads, don’t lose heart when you disagree. There will be situations where you know you are “right” as a dad.

Disagree agreeably. Disagreement is the spice of long-lasting relationships.

Keep loving.

Keep trusting.

Keep embracing.

If he comes to you admitting a wrong choice, never respond with “I told you so,” or “I knew you would come around…”

That only shows your displeasure with him, and that you didn’t trust him during the disagreement.

Smile and say, “I know you will do what is right, son – I am proud of you…” When you believe it, your son will believe it.

When his choices aren’t the wisest, call those things that be not, as though they were.

Speak Life over him.

19. Have Fun

Stop taking life so seriously.

Stop focusing on what’s not working.

Take a break from the issues. This goes for mom’s too.

Live drama free.

Living with 4 women, I am still working on that one, haha.

Do what he loves.

Do it with him.

20. Let His Interests Become Your Interests

My dad was a star athlete in High school.

As a boy, I admired his trim physique, his strength, and his masculinity. And while I eventually gained those traits — I never became a star athlete.

Instead, I was a Creative.

I excelled at music and design. I toured the nation as a keyboard player – not a basketball player.

That never once stopped my dad from loving me.

He attended many of my music functions and encouraged me to be the best keyboardist and vocalist I could be.

We found a common interest in cars. We often detailed his cars, and went to International Auto Shows together.

My Dad and I Riding Go Carts in Montana – 1977
That hair and those glasses!

21. Take Trips Together – Just You and Him

Because of my passion for automobiles, my dad once made arrangements to borrow a motor home.

He took me to my first International Auto Show in Detroit, MI, in 1975. I was 12. And on cloud nine.

Just me and my Dad. I don’t remember the details of what we talked about.

I do remember feeling special. I remember feeling loved. I remember feeling important.

When it’s just you and him, with no distractions and no moms, sisters, or other brothers, your son has the opportunity to open up and share his heart.

Listen more than you talk.

Love more than trying to solve.

Photo: Radius Images / Alamy

22. Don’t Look to Him as Your Sole Source of Admiration

Besides loving my wife and raising my daughters, the greatest joy I’ve experienced is being there for the journey of many young men.

Some like adopted sons; spiritual sons. I’ve been called “dad” by guys I didn’t raise.

It is enormously fulfilling – yet, dads – you can’t wait for your sons to boost your own male ego. Be secure in who you are as a Son of the Most High God (#SOTMHG). If you are a man of faith, Look to God for your personal confidence and security.

Yes, you will gain much satisfaction, empowerment, and even renewal by connecting with your son. It will always be your delight.

But remember, you are not (and don’t want to be) his only source of wisdom as he matures.

He needs other men.

He needs additional mentors.

Buddies.

And eventually a spouse, if he so chooses. There should not be pressure to find that spouse either, or shaming if he waits until his 30’s. Or never marries. It’s not our choice, dads.

As a source of comfort for yourself, know that only you can be his Dad. No matter who comes and goes in his life.

23. There is Enough of Your Son to Share

The world needs his gifts.

Others will benefit greatly from knowing your son.

Hold him tight and close to your heart.

Forever. At the same time, let him go.

Don’t fight for his time. Don’t fight for his attention.

When he starts dating… when he gets married… part of your heart may rip because of your great love for him. Your desire to spend time with him.

Find comfort in knowing that “she” can never be his Dad. If you are flexible and willing to grow with him, your place as his Dad will be burned into his soul forever.

That is the way it should be.

24. Offer Words Of Affirmation.

Often.

Daily.

“I love you and I am so proud of you!”

“I believe in you!”

“I miss you and can’t wait to hang with you soon!”

Dads! Do this until you die.

25. Never Stop Giving Him Affection.

Never.

I’m gonna park on this one minute.

Men, please. Listen:

My dad was enormously free to express love and physical touch to my brother and I.

Courtesy Getty

The power of an affirming hand and loving arm from Dad, or a sound, healthy man, is so crucial in the transfer of masculinity to boys and young men.

Some of my best memories as a pre-teen, were me hanging out with my dad on their bed, every Friday night, watching scary movies – “Chiller Theater.” Sometimes were we shirtless.

Just being guys – me looking up to him, my head on his strong arm. Getting a close dose of his masculinity.

So many have lacked this father / son bond. So. Many.

I am deeply grateful I had an abundant supply. I am grateful to share it with those who have lacked.

Why are men in America afraid to show affection?

Masculine affection has many layers. Go beyond the surface with your son. Here’s some practical actions that show affection:

– Tight hugs. Sometimes longer than usual.

– A kiss on the neck (Luke 15:20).

– Talking or walking arm in arm sometimes.

– Warm and generous words of love and acceptance.

“Son, I am proud of you. You have what it takes to be man. You can do all you were meant to do…”

– Falling asleep on the floor together, after a rowdy pillow fight or face slap fight (let him win sometimes).

Wrestling. Shutterstock

– Wrestling! I still have distinct images of wrestling with my dad.

– Regular, “I love you son!” expressions. Say it like you mean it.

– Laughter. Lots of it.

– Emotion. Tears with him — when it really hurts. Or when joy is huge.

Sergeant Luis Bratic embraces his ten-year-old son Christopher

Tears are manly.

Abraham wept.

Jesus wept. Are you calling Jesus ‘not manly’ bahaha?

Paul wept.

He and his spiritual sons kissed each other on the neck when they knew they were departing from his presence, for what some scholars believe, was the last time. Paul longed to see Timothy.

– Conversations that you both know will always remain private between him and you.

With one of my spiritual sons, we call these conversations “Thicker Than Thieves.”

You don’t tell anyone.

Including mom.

It goes both ways: Tell him things you’ve never told anyone else.

Being “Thicker than Thieves” builds unbreakable life long trust. Many young men have never experienced this level of trust. It is why they suffer in friendships, romantic relationships, and later as parents. It’s why I do what I do every week as a mentor.

– Physical Touch – A Fatherly shoulder rub now and then.

Some dads reading this will say inside, “that’s weird, that’s not me.”

Are American dads so homophobic that we no longer offer healthy and appropriate physical touch to our sons?

The dads in my Circle who offer regular fatherly affection, have the healthiest life long relationships in my Circle. I have witnessed it for 37 years.

Much Affection. Much Trust.

If you are man of faith, you can study the relationship of Jesus with Peter, James, and John. Paul with Timothy.

All of these actions demonstrate acceptance and affection.

Your son will never outgrow his need for fatherly, masculine, affection. Ever.

When you are 83 and he is 53, he will still need the affection of his dad.

Don’t wait for him to ask for it.

Offer affection freely.

Gentlemen, this is not an all-encompassing list!

Make adjustments for the distinct needs of your son.

Have you taken the time to know what his distinct needs are?

I challenge you to purposefully put these suggestions into action. Add actions of your own.

Today.

What Steps Can you Take to Strengthen, Build, and Nourish Your Journey with Your Son?

This post is dedicated to my earthly father, Edward LeRoy, 80, and still preaching his guts out.

Thank you for loving me with fatherly love and affection. I never once felt I lacked for your love. Thank you for being proud of me when my choices were not your choices.

Thank you for believing in me relentlessly in my weakest moments. Thank you for letting me pilot but never leaving the copilot’s chair.

You are always with me.

I am proud to be your son.

He’ll hate it that I used his middle name. But you guys know how I am about middle names.

Plus. It’s my post.

You are my hero.

Feel free to reply below or email us privately if you don’t want your mother stalking your personal business.

We never share email addresses.

We won’t blow up your IN box. We don’t air your dirty laundry. Ever.

This article was first published on the site, I’d Rather Talk ™

What? Not following us on Social Media?

We don’t clog up your feed. We don’t tweet hourly. We don’t care about Likes. We don’t need more Followers for our ego. We don’t post closeups of Shrimp Cocktail. Insights tastefully cybered to men. Once in a while.