– Mark Edward –

She was my #wcw before there was a #wcw.

Before FB.  Before Twitter.  Before IG.  Before TikTok.  Before Bluetooth. Before there were 5 cell phones in my house.

With the internet.

I met her in a city where I never wanted to live. A city I swore to my road buddies I would never move to. Yet that’s where I found her.  Broken Arrow. 

People joke that they “married up.”

I don’t joke about it, because I know it’s true.

Um no.  That’s not us.

I’m not saying I’m not a good guy.

I’m just saying, she’s elite.

How have we stayed married 28 years?

And happy?

Well… there’s not room enough to share all the reasons.

But here’s a few poignant yet simple reasons.  Maybe you can adapt two or three to enhance your relationship:

1. We Don’t Try to Change Each Other Into Something We are Not.

One of the big keys why we’re still together and happy is we don’t try to make each other become something we are not.

Pray for each other, yes.

But manipulate. No.

Not force.

And not withhold sex until the other caves in and sees things our way.  Frankly, I’ve never understood that.

Sex can bring you closer and diminish stressors and disagreements back into their proper perspective!

I can honestly say I’ve never wanted her to think, act, or be like me.

The Sweet Lord Jesus Himself knew I couldn’t marry someone like me. Another First-Born-Almost-Only-Child-Musician in the house?

 

Holy Sad Mother of Judas. We would have been in the newspaper years ago.

If there’s something we’ve needed to change in ourselves (and, oh man, there HAS been), we’ve both asked God to deal with the other’s heart.

And He does. Often through other people.

My Bride and I a few years back

2.  We Pick our Battles.

Every married couple has their battles.  Big and small.

But how many of those battles will matter a year from now?  A month from now?  Even a week from now?

I don’t really care if the stove is white or stainless.  Electric or gas.

I don’t give a flip if she has 125 pairs of shoes (when we got married, my wife actually had THAT many), or which way the toilet paper hangs.

Honestly, truth be told, there is very little that really matters long-term.

Accepting each other’s differences will eliminate many arguments.

True acceptance and value placed on our spouse’s desires, wants, deepest thoughts, and opinions, goes a long way to build bridges during disagreements.

Major on the Majors.

Minor on the Minors.

I talk more about Majors & Minors in the article “How I’ve Survived Living With Four Women.  And a Girl Dog.”  (link at the bottom of this article.)

Lovin’ Florida.  Florida Lovin’.

3.  We Keep a Short List.  

We keep a short list of each other’s faults, that is.  In other words, we are quick to forgive.

Quick.

And we don’t bring up those “failures” later as a weapon after we’ve forgiven.

If you use your spouse’s past failures as ammunition or a tool of manipulation, you have not truly forgiven.

So, about our annual argument:

I arrogantly exclaim how wrong she was for whatever it was she supposedly did.  Next, she throws the Parmesan cheese container across the kitchen.

Then, our kids scatter while temporarily freaking out, because… well, frankly, this just doesn’t happen very often.

Then, a bit later, I admit what an unsavory beast I was.  I ask everyone to forgive me.

Before long, we are laughing once again.

4.  We Laugh Often.

Any one who has hung out with me knows I love to laugh.

Sometimes at inappropriate times.  Politically inappropriate times.

My sense of humor is scary.  And weird.  I  laugh at myself.

My family laughs at me for laughing at myself.

Some days I do better than others.

When Big Time Stress is on, I tend to be moody. Somtimes angry.

I tend to default to musician-grumpy.  Some days I need to be sent to the corner.

Thank God I married The Eternal Optimist.

She reminds me to laugh.  God laughs.

Guys, if you haven’t laughed for a while, your Father can restore laughter back to you.

Ask me how I know.

He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. – Job 8:21

One of the best things you can do is laugh about each other’s quirks in a non-demeaning way.

I leave cabinet and dresser doors open.  Who knows why.

Some childhood scar, I suppose.  Perhaps my sainted mother locked me in the hall closet for discipline.

5. We Communicate About “The Big Three” When We Need to.  And At the Right Time.

You know “The Big Three” don’t you?

Sex.  Money.  In-laws.

And boy, have we talked about those a few times in 28 years.

But whoa, guys.

Timing.

The time to talk about your sexual frustrations is not right before you are intending to have sex.

Or right after.  Um, or during.

Don’t argue about how much to spend while standing in the grocery check-out line.

Certainly, griping about your in-laws right before they arrive at the airport for a visit is not ideal timing.

I don’t mean for this to sound like a business meeting, but sometimes you just gotta schedule those conversations when it is mutually good for you both.

Not when you are exhausted or stressed.  Or angry.

TIP: Keep an open mind to your own blind spots.  Lord knows I have several.  Be willing to hear the truth.  Meet in the middle.  

Better yet, go 75% her direction.  And sometimes, you just gotta go completely to her side, cuz she’s right.

And you know it.

6.  We Don’t Belittle or Deride Each Other.

Not publicly.  Not “jokingly.”  Not ever.

Awkward.

That time when that one loose-tongued chick brashly exclaims in front a group of mixed-company friends:

…Girl, that’s NOTHING! My husband is so STUPID he recently _________.  

Just cut his nuts out.

That would hurt less.  I realize few ladies are reading this.  So let me speak to the men instead:

Guys, the worst thing you can do to erode your marriage is to speak negatively about your wife in front of anyone.

Including your best buddies.  Including your Inner Circle.

Especially including your parents or family.

It’s one thing to speak in confidence to receive counsel (like from a pastor or mentor).  It’s another to belittle her to your bros.

It will affect your closeness with her.  She needs that closeness.

So do you.

Have you spoken to her kindly about what is bothering you?

At the right time?

7.  We Still Date.

We still go out.

Sometimes with money.  Sometimes with none.

But we still take time away from everything, and everyone, including children (and my guys), to just be together.

Every week.  Even if it’s just a couple of hours.

Phones off.

This is a smart time to proactively listen to her.  And have plenty of non-sexual touch.

There’s a hundred more reasons I could write about.

Let’s wrap it up.

Making It Real

I don’t have adequate words to write about how much my wife means to me. But you can tell in the way we live.

Over the years, woman after woman has been envious of her radiant joy (to the extent that it affected some of our ministry relationships; and she’s lost more than one job over female jealousy – no kidding).

I suppose, because she has what every woman wants.

To be loved, listened to, respected, and cherished.

Free to be the woman God made her to be.

She’s not in my box.

She’s not in anyone else’s box.