|  Mark Edward  |
This Article is Related Reading for Podcast EP9

As I meet with young men every week, they often ask,

Mark, how did you know Jamie was – well – you know… ‘The One?’

Sometimes, we over think our decisions.  

Deciding who to marry.  That’s complicated right?

There are at least 25 apps out and dating sites out there to “help” you find a wife.

But finding a wife, doesn’t have to be complicated.

It can be peaceful.  Simple. 

This post seeks to answer the question, “How Do I Know She’s The One?” with some easy-to-understand simple thoughts.

Thanks to the married guys in my circle who contributed advice to this post as well and to Jordan Daniel Mueller who co-hosted EP9 with me on this topic.

Here’s some simple insights to help you determine if SHE is “The One”.

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First, let’s stand on a couple of givens that should be completed — before you are ready to choose a mate:

1. You’ve Completed Your Man Journey for the most part. Your foundation is strong – you are ready to lead. You’ve conquered most of your baggage and “habits.”
   

   Someone once said:  Don’t waste your time looking for your better half.

    

   Become a whole person looking for another whole person.

   

2. Your relationships with Your Male Friends are stable and healthy.
   You have healthy male friendships on all 3 levels:
   Mentors, Peer and Those You Mentor

   If you can’t maintain solid friendships with other males, you’ll never survive living with a woman.

If you can not confidently answer “YES” to 1 & 2 above, then keep letting God do what He’s been doing in your life.

Or start letting Him work now.

Molding you.

Shaping you.

Loving you.

Helping you love yourself.

If you don’t yet love yourself – if you haven’t conquered loving your friends in a healthy way – you aren’t ready for her.

If you can honestly say “yes” for 1 & 2, then take a few minutes to meditate on the steps below.

1. You’re Not Looking Around Anymore

I’m amazed at the number of young men I’ve hung out with who were engaged or heavily committed, who have exclaimed to me, “she’s the one!”

Yet, when the next set of sexy legs walks by, their commitment to their girl seemed to dissipate.

Yes, of course we’re going to notice beauty.

But if your find yourself thinking,

Maybe THAT one’s better for me because ___________ (fill in the blank)…

… then you haven’t found the right one.

You don’t need a Chevy Sonic in the back alley when you have a Lexus LC500 in your garage.

 2. Your Most Trusted Friends, Mentors, and Family Members Support Your Decision

Of course, in some instances family members, particularly, may resist your decision to marry at first.

The jealous mom who is afraid of losing her son – who is hurting temporarily because you have Cut the Apron Strings.

But for the most part, if your relationship with your girl is healthy, those closest to you will recognize it.

They’re not afraid to express their opinions either, haha.

It’s just because they want the best for you.

One of my Mentoring Rules is to not tell someone who to marry or who to break up with.

 

However, if you ask me, you might squeeze out of me the “pros and the cons” of spending 60 years with that person.

Does it really matter what your family thinks?

Indeed.  It Does.

Think about Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays.  The birth of your children.

Having your wife love and accept your family – and them accepting and loving her – is a BIG deal.

 

3. She Meets Your Standards

Standards?

Yes.  Standards.

The things that really matter to you when it comes to a wife.

When men come to me for pre marital advice, I insist that they complete “The Woman I Choose” form.

Does such form exist?

You know me.  Of course it does.

What?  You haven’t yet filled yours out?  Do it today!

You can print it here:

The Woman I choose PDF

 4. She’s Supports Your Life Goals, Your Vision, Your Dreams.

Every woman should have goals and dreams of her own.

But if she is going to be a long term successful wife, her primary goal, after her relationship with God, is being a help mate to her husband.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. — Genesis 2:18

There has to be head.  Anything with two heads is a freak.

If she has little to no interest in your goals over the next 5 years, the next 15 years, or your Core Gifts and Callings, it won’t work, gentlemen.

It won’t work.

 5. You Know She is Ready

The less baggage you both bring into marriage, the lighter, happier, and more successful your journey together will be.

How is her relationship with her God?

How stable are her friendships with other women?

Does she have a couple of female mentors in her life to show her the way?

Is she a “loner?”

How is her relationship with her dad?

Can she care for someone besides herself?

Or is it her way or the highway?

Has she shared her past sexual hurts with you?

Be sure healing has begun with past sexual hurts or emotional abuse.  This applies to your own sexual hurts too.

Therapy and Godly counsel can help bring to pass healing from trauma or abuse.

Has she completed her Woman Journey?

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6. Have You Asked God?

Many young men have told me with wide eyes and a big grin that they were pretty sure they had found “her”.

I am happy for them but I often ask,

When you pray, what does God show you down on the inside?

Their smile waning – “Um, well, I didn’t ask.”

Gentlemen.  Always ask your Father.

He knows.

He can show you things to come.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind (by meditating on His Word).

 

Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is.

 

His good, pleasing, and perfect will.  – – Romans 12:2

He won’t pick your wife for you.

YOU get to do that.

But He will give that “knowing.”

That inward “peace”

– OR –

He will wake you up at night with discomfort in your spirit, and unrest.

You mutter to yourself, “I’m just not sure about this…”

Ask me how I know.

When your emotions and your hormones are quiet (rare, I know, right?) – are you truly peaceful down in the your spirit about 60 years with her?

If not.  Put the brakes on it.

7. You Have a String of Green Lights From Here to Chicago

When you seriously think about marrying her, and you have literally no red lights in your heart.

You have that “knowing.”

It’s that’s warm, velvety, certainty, in your spirit that feels as warm as the sun.

I don’t mean your emotions or your hormones.

I mean that “certainty” in your heart.

If your own spirit says, “I’m not sure.” 

 

Guys. 

 

Don’t do it.

Our Wedding Day – 1989
Broken Arrow, Oklahoma

The Way I Knew

I dated quite a few girls.

I was engaged to be married to a beautiful young woman I had dated 3 years.  We were “perfect” for each other.

We were both musicians. We toured together around nation.

I proposed to her at the top of Reunion Tower, after an elegant dinner at a revolving restaurant in Dallas.

We had rings.

She had her dress.

The date was set.

But when I was quiet, I didn’t have peace.

I couldn’t sleep.  I could not shake the gnawing inside that I should wait.

When got up the nerve to tell her I needed to wait, she fell apart.  I left that week for The Road (back on tour.)

It wasn’t long after, until someone called me to inform me she was engaged.

To someone else.

Most likely on the rebound.  Three months later, she married a guy named Mark (not me – no joke).

She passed away at 35.

Could we have married?  Yes.

Would God have blessed it?  As much as He could have.

But I remember hearing down on the inside,

You can marry her, it’s your choice. 

 

But if you want My Best, you need to wait.

I called it off.

It was the most painful decision I had faced at that time.  I was 21.

I didn’t meet Jamie until 4 (long) years later.

Those were some painful times of waiting.  At 25, I finally stopped “looking.”

I stopped evaluating every sexy single woman as a possible mate haha.

That’s when I met Her.  The One.

Our First Date
December 6, 1988
Tulsa, Oklahoma

On the night of our first date, as I was driving back home in my ’83 Accord, I heard on the inside, “This is The One.”

I wept while I was driving.

It was the freeway interchange of Highway 169 and Interstate 244 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

It meant so much to me, I told me two college room mates, “I’m going to marry her.”

And I did.

How did I know?

The 7 Steps you read above are from my own personal experience.

That’s how I knew.

You can too.

Our Wedding Day
October 28, 1989
The Word is Opened to Proverbs 3:5&6

Making it Real

Gentlemen, here’s the bottom line:

You’ll know.

She’ll know (whoever SHE is).

HE already knows.

If you have an “uneasiness,” then wait until that uneasiness is resolved.

If it’s resolved.

If it’s not.  It hurts like hell.  But end it.

Heal.

Learn from it.

And finish preparing to meet The One.

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Click Here to read how Guys in my Circle knew she was “The One.”

It’s worth the short read!

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