|   Mark Edward   |

Should Married Guys Drain the Crane?

I said it before in The M Word  | Part One:  It’s the question guys ask me most often.  

It usually goes something like this:  

“Um… Mark, can I ask you something personal?”  (Temporary pause)  “About uh, you know… jacking off – well, you know – masturbation. Is it OK?”  

Other Common Questions Include:

• “What is normal?”
• “How often is too often?”
• “How do I talk to my wife about this?”
• “What about porn?” 

 

Particularly in the past year, with the wives of 7 young men in my Circle expecting a child, I’ve received a number of questions from the married men in my Circle about navigating solo relief – during pregnancy.  

 

“Why is Masturbation Even a Thing, if I’m Married?”

Here’s what young men in my Circle tell me:

They’re working too many hours. 

Starting businesses.

They have pregnant wives.  Three toddlers.  Transporting middle school kids around the city nightly.

They’re finding life is non-stop, neck-breaking busy.  Often due to over-commitments to “important” causes.  

With less and less time for sex.

We first wrote on this topic here:  The “M” Word | Part One 

You might benefit from checking out Part One too.  Especially the section on “The Burn.”

The real question is not, “Should married guys jack off?” as much as it is, “do married guys jack off?”

And, gentlemen, the answer to the latter is

Clicked “Read More?”  CONTINUE HERE:

A Significant Percentage Do.

A survey conducted by The Marriage Bed shows that 83% of married men stated they had masturbated in the past 3 months.

In the survey, out of those 83%:

• 34% of the married men masturbated 2-6 times a month
• 20% do so 7-14 times a month
• 15% masturbate 15 or more times a month.

Most Men Have No One to Talk with About Sexuality

Guys that know me in person, know I encourage men to talk about their sexuality.

Why?

In 35 years of mentoring, I’ve seen so many young men torn over whether masturbation is right or wrong.  And crushed with extreme guilt, if they haven’t yet come to terms with their own sexuality.

I was one of those guys in my twenties.

Truth was, I jerked as often as the next dude sitting beside me in college.

But I had no one to talk with about my sexuality until I reached about 24. I thought something was wrong with me.

If I’m horny every day, I must be perverted right?”

Sad.

A Decision Only You Can Make

As described in Part One, the decision to masturbate or not, is very personal.  I’m not here to decide that for you.

It must be made between you and your Father God.  If you do find occasion for solo relief, know that you are among the majority of men.

So what about married guys?

Most studies show that if a young male masturbates as a single man, he will continue masturbating after he is married.  Perhaps less often.

And for different reasons.

Young brides – who might be uneducated on male sexuality and the male sex drive – may cry out:

“How can he do this?  Am I not good enough?

Does he still want me?

Why does he still ‘solo’?”

This site is not for women, but I can’t keep women from reading here, so ladies, if you are reading, be sure you understand what my college room mates and I used to call, “The Burn.”

And young men – wow.  I can’t believe how many young men do not understand how their physical body works and why they feel The Burn.

Understanding Your Maleness

The Burn

As outlined in Part One, we talk and joke with our buddies, but we rarely get down to the facts.

Gentlemen, about every 2-3 days, you will feel The Burn.

Sometimes less than 2-3 days.  In your teens and twenties, every day.  More than once a day even.

The Burn does not mean you are perverted.

Your body is simply functioning how God designed you to function.

The Burn is felt due to a build up of semen in your body.

When semen builds up, many men become agitated, edgy, frustrated, and have difficulty focusing on something other than  — The Burn.  Until they experience relief.

The Burn is not because of “full” testicles.

 

That’s a misnomer.

How The Plumbing Really Works

Contrary to popular male locker room talk, the majority of your ejaculate does not come from the testicles.

Sperm is manufactured in the testicles, and during ejaculation, sperm travel up the vas deferens and join seminal fluid from the seminal vesicles and the prostate.

Remember the line in that Christmas song, “let Angels prostate fall?”

Oh.  That’s prostrate.

Anyhow.  When the seminal vesicles are full, they send a signal to the brain that says,

“HEY buddy!!!  I’m full here!! Let me out!! “

Thus, the urge to release semen about every 2-3 days.  Or, “The Burn.”

The Seminal Vesicles

As discussed in Part One, the seminal vesicles are a pair of glands that are positioned on each side of the urinary bladder.

The seminal vesicles hold the liquid that mixes with sperm (from the testicles) to form semen.

So guys.  We can blame our balls for rushes of testosterone and facial hair, but it’s our seminal vesicles that fill up and give us the urge to ejaculate.

In fact, 65% of our seminal fluid volume during ejaculation comes from the seminal vesicles.

Check Out the Diagram Below

(Yes.  It’s that same diagram you took a sneak peak at the first day of middle school health class.)

If you are in your always-horny twenties, you’ll feel The Burn more often.  

Some 20-somethings ejaculate every day, or more than once per day, during stress.  Or boredom. 

Or just because no one’s at home.

(I didn’t design this, but it’s kinda funny)

Now is your chance to look in the mirror, point to yourself, and say,

“I am not a pervert!  God made me to be sexual!”

What About Porn?

As stated in Part One, you will never find our site advocating the use of porn.

You don’t need porn to ejaculate.

However, it has been our observation in 35 years of mentoring, that a male might find healthy sexual relief via masturbation in certain circumstances – but – with definite boundaries.

Without porn.

Back to the Question:  So What About Married Guys?

First, How Often Should We Have Sex?

It’s been said that newlyweds have 4 to 5 times more sex in the first year of marriage — than they do in the fifth year of marriage.   So, 4 to 5 times per week. Down to once per week as time passes.

A 2017 study that appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the average adult currently enjoys sex 54 times a year, which equates to about once a week.

Many guys desire release more often than once per week.  Sometimes, every day.

But before you rate your own marriage, remember… every couple is different.

My Personal Experience

To start this discussion, I’m going to step out on a limb, and share what I wrote in My Private Journal 2 nights before our wedding:

“Tonight is the last time I will ever masturbate in my life.  

 

Eat your heart out single guys!”

 

– Personal Journal, October 26, 1989

In my limited 26 year old mind, my idealistic thought was true.  “Sex Only” from here on out.

Well.  Here on out.  For about a year and a half, or so.

During the second year of our marriage, we were both working 55 or 60 hours.  Overtime for the sake of the ministries we were both serving.

We’re serving God right?  So He “expects” us to bust our butts (aka never be home in bed together). Or should I say, bust our nuts.

So, I remember a night when I was home alone. It had been 10 days since we had enjoyed sex.  Guys, does the sex clock in your brain keep track too?

To be blunt, I was a walking boner.  I couldn’t seem to concentrate.  Reading the Bible and praying was tough.

I polished the banister.

At first, I felt a little guilty.

I had not jacked off since 2 nights before my wedding.

The next day, I called two of my married buddies.

I was relieved (pun intended) to learn that I was not the only married dude to take matters into my own hands (pun intended).

Would I Have Rather Had Sex With My Wife?

Heck Yes.  A thousand times yes.

But sex was not available.  We were too busy saving the world.

“Did you tell your wife?”

If fact, I did.

Before our marriage, we had some frank talks about our sexuality, including the fact that most single guys masturbate.  And many women do as well.

However, we had never talked about what might happen if one of us masturbated as a married couple.

So we talked about it again.

I remember sharing with my wife my new found knowledge about The Burn.

We also talked about other ways she could “help me out” if she was too exhausted — like a buff and wax (hand job).  Or blow job.

(Did he just say buff and wax?)

Yes. I did.

I learn such terms by hanging with you twenty somethings most every day, bahaha.

Guys, you may need to have those talks with your wife.  Express your needs and your desires.

TIP:  Ask her about her needs and desires too! You can help her out as well, if you are not able to have sex.

What are Some Situations Where Masturbation Might be Appropriate for a Married Guy?

1. Your Sex Drive is Higher

According to The Marriage Bed survey, higher sex drive was the most common reason why married men chose to masturbate.  Almost 51% of males responded with the “my sex drive is higher” reason.

Thirty-eight percent said they masturbated because their wife said “no” to sex.

While I understand saying “no” on occasion, I encourage you and your spouse to find other ways to enjoy sexual relief – if vaginal sex is not comfortable or desired by her – rather than out right refusal.

(Buff and Wax…)

2.  It’s That Time of the Month

Some men may wait until their wife comes off of her cycle.  If you can wait without stumbling, lusting, or porning, then hang in there.

Weaker men around the world applaud you.

Others are not comfortable waiting 8 or 9 days.  Masturbation may help.  Again, talk to your wife about ways she may help you out — if she’s not PMS-ing too badly.

Photo:  Video Blocks

3.  Illness or Medical Reasons

What if your wife has major surgery?

What if she is ill for any length of time?

If she can not help you out at all, it may be better to think about her privately, and have safe release — rather than burn, when you are out and about in your daily life around other women.

This reason can also apply when there is a major illness with your children, or either of your parents.  When a child is ill, your wife is probably not thinking about your horniness.

(Shutterstock)
I had the look that dude has on his face.
Three times.

4. Pregnancy

Many couples enjoy sex during pregnancy.

But every couple is different.  And every pregnancy is different.

Stepping Out on a Limb Moment Again Here:

During one of our pregnancies, Jamie was nauseated often.  We had sex in the early part of the pregnancy, but around month 6, even hand jobs were difficult for her.

One day she proclaimed with pregnant woman power,

Mark! you’re on your own!

I knew what that meant!

Then there’s the 8 weeks after the baby arrives. The garage is closed, gentlemen.

New dads, ask your wife’s OBGYN about the mandatory post-pregnancy waiting period.

5.  Apart Overnight / Business Trips / Deployment

Many guys in my circle have asked about masturbation during business trips.

And a number of men I have mentored have been deployed around the world.  Cameron, Jon, Nate, Dave… I am so proud of you guys – thank you for serving our country.

Wouldn’t masturbating – thinking about your wife’s body – even having a sexy picture of her (discreetly) with you – be so much better than thinking about another woman, 6,000 miles away from home?

6.  Reliving a Recent Sexual Experience

I can’t begin to tell you the number of men who expressed this scenario to me:

We had fulfilling sex this morning before work.

I came home at lunch and jerked off.

Do you think I’m OK?

It feels good.

So we want to relive the feelings again.

That dopamine rush.  The physical relief as well.

In my Circle, we call those “Two-Fer” days.

It is not uncommon for a guy to have a “Three-Fer” day sometimes.

Why?

Because we are male.

Because we can.

Because we were made to ejaculate.

 

What Are Some Situations Where Masturbation Might NOT be Best for a Married Guy?

 

I-Stock

1.  With Porn Use

Simple.

It’s a given.

Porn is not real.  Porn is fake.

Don’t fool yourself.  It’s not going to help your marriage.

Porn may separate you emotionally from your wife.

Porn can destroy every day intimacy with your spouse.

Porn can reduce your ability to maintain an erection and please your wife, in the real non-porn world.

Read more about Journeying Out of Porn HERE.

2.  “Cranking the Shaft is Easier”

Don’t be a selfish, lazy husband.

We have a duty to please our wife.  Good sex is easy.  Amazing sex takes effort.

And thoughtfulness.

And tenderness.

And communication.

And practice.

And patience.

Ask her what pleases her sexually.

What pleased her last month may not make her feel good this month.

Don’t get your feelings hurt.  Ask with Love. Then demonstrate Love.

Ejaculation is not your goal.  Pleasing your wife is your goal.

In the process, you’ll most likely feel great too.

3.  Avoiding Conflict

Got conflict?

Welcome to any relationship.  A marriage relationship for sure.

Avoiding sex to keep from talking and working things out is the gateway to divorce.

Set a mutually agreed time in which to talk.

Don’t look to be “right.”  Look for a win / win.

I don’t usually lean toward water colors.
But this one speaks volumes.
Illustrations by Sally Wern Comport

Hold hands or touch lightly if you can.

Listen.

Forgive.

Quickly.

Repeat.

This is not a exhaustive post on masturbation in marriage.

I’m not looking for your agreement or your disagreement.  I’m looking for you to talk it out, and do what is peaceful for you and your marriage.

I’m not Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil.  But I’ve journeyed with young men for 40 years.

This is the stuff that fills their brains.

Let’s Talk.

What Can You Do to Better Understand Your Sexuality? 

Her Sexuality?

What Steps Can You Take to Be at Peace with Your Own Sexuality?  

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