The article, Second Hand Lions, is intended to educate young men who are about to be married, or are newly wed.

Young men a bit further in their marriage journey, may benefit from this post as well.

The content of this post offers a straightforward, transparent conversation about how you can prepare for your wedding night, honeymoon, and your first year of marriage.

Did you just look up and around for a second, bahaha?

“By clicking on the ‘Continue Reading —->’ link below, I certify that I am 18 years of age or older, and that I want to receive insight about the sexual happiness of my upcoming marriage, or my existing marriage.”

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|  Mark Edward  |

A 17 minute Read

What Every Young Man Needs to Know About His Wedding Night and Honeymoon

 

It’s Summer.  

That time of year when a guy from my Circle is getting married every week-end.  

Or it seems like it.  

When the last light is turned out after the bachelor party, are you confidently prepared for your wedding night & honeymoon?

If they are honest, most young men would answer, “no.”  

Over the years, I’ve shared very personal letters with young men in my mentoring circles who were a few days from their wedding — wisdom on what to expect on the nights following the Big Day.

(Courtesy Bigstock Photos)

Later, many grinning, grateful, guys have emailed, called, or texted, saying things like, “Man I needed that!” – “This information helped so much!”  – or, “We even had premarital counseling, and nobody told me THAT!”

I even got a call from one dude on his honeymoon (I don’t recommend that), exclaiming I had saved his hide by advising him to pack lube.

OK then.  Glad to have saved the day!   Or in his case, the night.

For some time, I contemplated sharing this man-to-man letter publicly.

At first, I sheepishly planned on “password protecting” the letter, as what is shared here is intimate and personal.

Instead, I’ve decided to post it for the world to see.

The fact is, any sexual information a young male desires can be had via the internet anytime 24/7, right from his pocket.

Much of it not so great.

Yeah, I get it that many guys reading this have already had sex.  Or at least some foreplay.  But not honeymoon sex.  Not married sex with their lifetime bride.

Why not offer some healthy masculine wedding night advice – right here, right now?

If you’re about to be married, or newly married, you will identify with what is shared in this letter.

The names are changed and the date removed to protect the innocent married heterosexual couple 🙂

I’ve added some graphics and color.  Guys are visual right?

It’s a longer than normal letter, but you are preparing for the most treasured moments of your life.  Isn’t it worth a little extra time of study?

When I started this site,  one of my core goals was to be completely transparent about sexual questions men ask.

I am about to do just that.

So now… the Letter:

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November 12, 20 _ _
A Crisp Georgia Evening

Ethan,

Holy Crap!  It’s finally here. 

The day you’ve thought about since you were a horny teenager.  

Well… really the night you’ve thought about since you were a horny teenager.  Your last day as a single man!!!  

The day you and Emma have been talking almost a year is staring you in the face. 

This week, you are taking the step from solo sex, to The Woman of Your Dreams sex!

With your circle of friends and support system, I am sure you have received a few sexual tips (while patting you on the back, snickering, with hand gestures) for your wedding night and honey moon. 

Unfortunately it’s usually from single dudes who really don’t know much — but act like they do.  

Offering what they’ve learned. From porn.

From Second Hand Lions, New Line Cinema.

In the movie “Second Hand Lions” Robert Duvall (Hub McCann) gives Haley Joel Osment (Walter) a piece of the, “What Every Boy Needs to Know about Being a Man” speech. 

One line in that speech says, “love… true love never dies!  Remember boy, remember that!”   

Having no father figure in his life, Walter longs for his uncle to give him “the speech.” 

 

With the heart of that same longing in mind, it is my personal belief that every young man craves for someone to tell him everything is going to be OK on his honeymoon.

(From Second Hand Lions, New Line Cinema.)

What to expect.  What to do.  What not to do.

And no.  Marriage sex is not like porn.

Not many fathers, ministers, or even mentors step up to the plate to meet that longing.  It takes honesty and vulnerability to talk about really personal stuff.  Some leaders haven’t yet resolved their own sexual questions!

Fortunately Ethan, you and I have already crossed the “really personal” conversation bridge.  So I imagine you are ready to receive some honeymoon truth.

Image Courtesy Shutterstock

Quick Review:  As I look back over the topics we’ve discussed this past year, they include:

•  Your “struggle” with porn;
•  The years you carried heavy undue guilt over masturbation during your teens;
•  Conversations about masturbation and using it as a tool for healthy relief;
• “Scheduling” masturbation in moderation as a single man rather than fornicating or using porn;

Remember in November of last year, when you also asked me about premature ejaculation in marriage and even the possible difficulty of getting erections in marriage occasionally (due to using porn in your past)?

Young men find it hard to believe (no pun), but yes, it will happen to you sometime.

Not if you can’t get it up. But when you can’t get it up.

We talked about building your Spiritual Arsenal to prepare for Marriage:

I once wrote you:

I am glad you are beginning to build your Word Arsenal.  Just one meanginful Word “sword” a month under your belt, and you’ll have 12 that you didn’t have a year ago.  Persist with building your arsenal.  Use it.  Speak it out.  Let your ears hear it.

Emma will need you to be strong in your foundation.  

Ethan, Keep letting the wisdom in God’s Word dominate your life and be the basis for your decisions and your actions. 

Editor’s Note:
 —> Read more about Building Your Word Arsenal  <—

Also, we discussed having a strong Inner Circle of friends:

Every man should have someone to speak freely with about sexual concerns, husbanding, and later, parenting.  Even as a seasoned married man, I still have those discussions with a couple of married guys that have been my closest friends for 40 years.

As a young married man, continue to build your inner circle of friends. 

It may be one or two guys your age and an older mentor or two in there for some balance & life experience. 

These are men you build trust with over time.  Men with whom you can talk about anything.  Iron sharpens iron.

Editor’s Note:
  —> Read more about Nourishing Male Friendships <—

Ethan, it is always my joy and honor to walk with you and to speak into your life on these very personal subjects.

Now, let’s take it to the next level.  

Let’s talk about your wedding night and honeymoon.  

I’m not Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil, but here goes!

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My “Second Hand Lions”  Speech

Shower Often

Women don’t wanna smell dirty arm pits or a nasty crotch.  

Guys can smell like a camel after just 3 or 4 hours.  Goes without saying I guess, but always shower before sex or at least the night before. You will be showering more often than you did as a single man. 

Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.

Point:  Be Clean. Smell Good. Wash the Jewels.

Um, don’t catch the bed on fire. At least not with the candles.

Set the Mood

As a single guy, you could beat off in the middle of a cornfield and it would feel good.

However, many women like atmosphere.  So, take time to set the stage.  Dinner, soft music, candles.   It’s not the same for every woman, so find out what she likes.

YOU set the mood.  Not her.   I still set the mood after 27 years.  She still appreciates it.

There will be times when passion will be so hot, soft music and candles won’t matter. 🙂

Point:  Atmosphere.  Take time to make it special.

Courtesy Sealy Company

It’s Not About You

Of course you want to feel amazing.  Of course you want to ejaculate and you will.

As men, we are easily satisfied  – – however, satisfaction for your wife can take more time.

The emotional balance she needs to get there is much more delicate.

Sexually speaking, it has been said that:

Men are like microwaves.  Women are like crock pots.

Five minutes and our popcorn is popped. Meanwhile, hours of simmering & afterglow may be desired by her.

Point:  Focus on her satisfaction.  If you do, you will always be satisfied.

Take Your Time

It’s not about ejaculating.

It’s about a journey with the woman you love.

It’s not a sprint.

It’s a marathon.

Later in marriage, as you settle into your weekly routine together, during sex you might even stop for a rest along the way (go soft, and get hard again).  This can happen during foreplay.  Eventually you’ll get to the finish line.

Remember, the finish line for her is not your ejaculation.  Instead, it is a deeply emotional journey for her.  Even after her orgasm, she can enjoy the feeling.  Sometimes for hours.

It is important for you to stay close and enjoy her “afterglow” as well.  Hold her.

Try not to roll over and fall asleep right away (like you did when you were single).

Point:  The destination is not ejaculation.  The destination is the entire experience – including the “afterglow.”

KY Does not Stand for Kentucky

Lubricant.  Lube.

Dude.  Buy some.  Keep some handy.  Use it liberally.

During foreplay (you touching her vaginal area) apply lube to your fingers.  Be sure your fingernails are clipped and there are no rough places on your finger tips.

Lubricate her Labia Minora – (see diagram)
(aka inner  lips – the flaps of skin on each side of her vagina opening).
You can also apply some to the Labia Majora (the outer lips or outer flaps of skin) as well.

Do this gently!

Courtesy of Helping Guide

Some sexy diagram, right?

 

Also, apply lube to your erect penis before you insert it into her vagina.

Down the road, there may be times later when you won’t need or want lube, but in the early part of your marriage, it just makes things a lot smoother.

Many couples use a lubricant their entire marriage.

The Clitoris is a crucial area of pleasure for your bride.  It is the most “nerve rich” area of the vulva. It has twice as many nerve endings as your penis.

Similar to a penis, the area can become engorged with blood during her arousal.

Ask her about this small but important sexual organ.

What if We Don’t Have Sex on our Wedding Night?

–  21% of couples do not have sex on their wedding night.

–  18% of men did not have an orgasm on their wedding night.

–  56% of women did not have orgasm on their wedding night.    *Source: The Marriage Bed

Although you are feeling the physical pressure, there’s no emotional pressure on WHEN to first have sex.

Do it when it’s best for you both.  Although we laid together on our wedding night, we did not have full intercourse until the morning after our wedding.

Why not be rested?

Communicate

It’s OK to talk before, after, and during sex.

You should and you must talk.  Don’t just assume.  Even after a few many years.

For us, there have been times right in the middle of heavy making out, something funny happened;  kids outside the (locked) door – a fart – or, we just thought of something funny… you name it – and we just broke out laughing.  That is OK!  If it breaks the mood, the mood comes back.

Ask her often, “What feels good to you?”   “What can I do for you?”

I still do this after 30+ years.  A woman’s hormones fluctuate.  A lot.

What feels good today, may not feel good tomorrow.

And don’t let your male ego be hurt when she says, “that doesn’t feel good!!”

You respond, “Babe, I’m sorry…”, and find out what DOES feel good for her this time.

Point:  Communicate.  Ask Questions.  Even years from now.  

Never stop listening.

It Doesn’t Have to Be This Serious.  Or This Disappointing.

What if I Ejaculate too Soon?

It’s not if you do.

It’s when you do.

It happens to all married men, particularly newly wed men.  In single life, we trained ourselves to jizz quickly and get on with our day —  or drift off to sleep.

It’s not that way in the marriage bed.

When you ejaculate too soon, it doesn’t have to be “serious” or super disappointing.  

Apologize if needed.  Laugh together if you need to.  Thing is, you can get it back up later.

When you do ejaculate too soon once inside, you don’t have to stop thrusting.  If your bride is enjoying it, keep going.  You don’t have to stop your motion just because you ejaculate.

Continuing to thrust is the opposite urge of what you might have done as a single guy.

You can also use your fingers (or please her orally if she agrees) to GENTLY stimulate her before you even insert your penis.

In other words, take time to satisfy here before you ever get inside her.

That way, if you happen to shoot sooner than planned, she can still be fulfilled.

 

Point:  Early ejaculation is not a sign of weakness.  You will learn to control it with time.

 

This Made Me Laugh
That’s What You Need to do To

What if I Can’t Get it Up?

 “Um, no way…that will never happen to me.”

It probably won’t happen on your honeymoon (unless you’re on round 4 or 5 in one day).

For young guys, it’s hard to imagine that you may not be able to get it up in the future. But, just like ejaculating too quickly, there will be times down the road when you may not get a firm erection or any erection.

You are not a machine.

Work, stress, money issues, ministry, fatigue, worry, even kids…can sometimes affect your testosterone level, thereby affecting your ability to get hard.

Temporarily.

It’s not a performance.

I recently told another young man in my circle, “Just wait a day or too, and I promise, the blood will flow again.”  He texted me 2 days later, “Back to normal!”

When it happens, assure her that it is “not her”.  Affirm her beauty.  You can still please her other ways if she desires that.  We might have this conversation a year or two down the road if you need it, bahaha.

Good thing is, it doesn’t happen that often!  In my 50’s, I am still raising the tent, Glory to the Most High God.  You will too.  Years from now.

 

Point:  Inability to get it hard is not a reflection on your love, her love, or your manhood.

No. No. Just No.

The Afterglow

After sex, DO NOT reach for your smart phone.

Your phone should be turned off.  And not by your bed stand!

Either of you might need to take a pee (and she should, to avoid bladder infections), but if time permits, you may want to lay back down, cuddle, hold her close, talk sweet words, listen and gently respond.   It is your responsibility to make time for afterglow.  It’s selfish if you don’t.

Even the most beautiful woman needs genuine and constant affirmation. This is not easy for you being the methodical male that you are, but you MUST do it.

Affirm your love for her.  Affirm her beauty.

Not just during sex.  Not just after sex.

Every day.  All the Time.

Point:  The minutes after sex mean as much as the minutes before and during sex.

Size Doesn’t Matter

Enough Said.

Point:  Stop Wondering.  

Stop Comparing to the Porn Stars.  

Stop Porn Altogether.

The Quickie

There may be situations when time is short.  You need sex, and she might say, “this one’s for you.”

In that case, feel free to go for it, and enjoy it.  Yet, don’t make that the norm.  Make the norm “taking time to please her” sexually – as much as possible.

And it does take time.  It takes patience.  It’s worth it.

Point:  When she says “this one’s for you,” don’t feel guilty.  It’s OK once in a while.

The Days of Masturbation & Internet Temptation Are Finally Over… Right?

Most guys are so ecstatic over sex the first year, jacking off and porn seem like distant memories from another planet.

I didn’t masturbate a single time during the 1^st year of marriage.

However, with changes in jobs, stresses, overtime, two jobs, different schedules, kids… sex decreases and some men find themselves back to solo relief now and then.  The Marriage Bed site says 85% of married men have masturbated in the past 3 months.

If this happens, I encourage you to speak with Ashley about it.

It’s not something dirty to hide. It’s sexual relief.

During pregnancy for example, you will have less sex, and maybe no sex at all – of course she can give you a hand job but there was a time in one of our pregnancies when my wife couldn’t even do that comfortably.

She said, “You are on your own,” bahaha.  I knew what THAT meant.

In marriage, masturbation should never be a way to avoid your wife or keep from working out problems.

I often tell married guys who ask me about this topic,

Are you masturbating because you are not having enough sex… or are you not having enough sex because you are masturbating?

If you find yourself masturbating often in marriage – determine the root.  What is the underlying reason/issue?

Is it a way to avoid –  or a way to relieve?

There is a difference.

When Might Masturbation in Marriage be OK?

When you are apart.

When a temporary time of separation arises like a business trip, or a lengthy separation such as deployment.

If you can think about your wife during temporary times of solo relief, masturbation may not be a big deal.

Keep a picture of her with you.  That helps.

Times of illness (her), pregnancy, menstruation (if you think you can’t wait)…. opposite schedules.

Do what works for you and your wife.   Does it help or hinder your relationship?

You can read more about Masturbation in Marriage HERE.

What about Porn?

I am not for porn.

Yet I get why men look.

The urge to “see skin” is there because that is how God created us males.

What is Lust?

I define lust as an “uncontrollable sexual urge.”  It’s a destroyer. The line between the typical wanting to “see skin” and “lust” can be a very, very fine line. And a slippery slope for sure, in the internet-in-your-pocket age.

Regarding porn… I urge men to look for the spouse’s skin, not the skin of a stranger.  You may not agree.  It’s my opinion based on 40 years of Mentoring.

If you view porn as a single guy, you will still feel the urge to view porn as a married man.

But, you don’t have to view porn if you choose not to.

You have a choice.  You can retrain yourself to cum without porn if you want.

What you feed grows.  What you starve eventually dies.

If you feel like you keeping stepping outside your personal boundaries,  admit it, quit it, forget it.  If it helps, you can be accountable to a peer or mentor (you’ve done that).

Editor’s Note:
Learn more about —>What to do When You Miss It <—

 

Spiritual Leadership

What does spiritual leadership have to do with good sex?

Everything.

During our first year of marriage, we read I Corinthians 13 together from the Amplified 2 or 3 times a week.

It helps with all the adjustments and made sex even more fulfilling.

It’s never her job to lead spiritually.

That being said, some of my best spiritual revelation (insight) has come from my wife.  So when she does have something to say, put down your dang phone, look her in the eye, swallow your male ego.

Listen.

Respond.

Don’t forget to acknowledge her wisdom.   She’s doesn’t want to nag.  She will rescue you from stupid mistakes.

Ask me how I know.

 

Well, this is getting long (that’s what SHE said).  I know it’s a lot to digest, so you may want to review it now,  and again later if you find it helpful.  Excuse any typos.  No time to proof.

 

Ethan, I am so very proud of you and your journey the last five years.  I love you deeply like my own family, and I look forward to continuing this journey together until you are old and I am really old.  As always, you can call, text, or IG MSG me anytime.

Relax and Enjoy the Most Important Day of Your Life.

It’s not a performance.  You will do fine.  I am sure of it.

Mark

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