|  Mark Edward  |

I’m not gonna lie.

I am a bit disturbed by a trend I have observed in some Evangelical circles where the dating topic is discussed.

“Don’t date until you know you are ready to marry…”

“Only date in groups…”

“The only place you should go together alone is church…”

“Going out alone only increases your temptation to fornicate…dating only leads to sex…”

“Dating is against the principles of God’s Word…”

What?

Purity Culture Gone Wild.

I’m not a fan of a culture that causes young men and women to experience shame for sexual thoughts and sexual feelings.

Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, and don’t.

Sheesh.

A while back, one of my guys expressed fear about dating because he felt it was against the religious “expectations” of his Christian college.

I will share part of our conversation in a minute.

But first, a brief side journey back to the Psychedelic Era:

In the mid 60’s and early 1970’s, ABC aired a show called, “The Dating Game.”

Typically, a bachelorette would question three bachelors, hidden from her view.

At the end of the show, she would choose one guy to take her on a date, paid for by the show – sight unseen.

Sometimes, roles were reversed (as in the pic above) where the guy chose a date.

My mom despised the show, because the bachelorettes often wore short skirts and their silky hair glistened as it lay upon their lovely shoulders.

It was not up in a “safe” and non sexy mile-high holiness bun, like the one pictured above.  

Perhaps, this was why I enjoyed watching it, bahaha.

(Photo: ABC Network Television)

As my mid-teens approached, I do remember wondering what it would be like to go out on a date & be admired by the opposite sex.  

I wanted to be THE GUY selected by the bachelorette.

But – sight unseen??

Not the best way to pick a date.

Or a spouse.

Guys, I’m just gonna say it now:  Your wife will not magically drop into your world.

Angels with flaming scrolls will not appear from bright shining clouds, proclaiming the location of your future wife.

YOU are going to have to find her.

When the time is right of course.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.  – Proverbs 18:22  NIV

The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the LORD. – Proverbs 18:22 NET Bible

The selection of your wife is the most important decision you will ever make. 

She will remain more valuable than anything else in your life.

She will be a part of shaping your destiny.

From here until your last breath.

The Test Drive

Consider the sheer joy when Warren Buffett hands you $250,000 to spend on any vehicle you want.

But.

There are a few requirements before he places the cold cash in your sweaty and grateful palm.

• It’s gotta be spent on only ONE car.
• No short cuts.  No second best.  And, biggest catch:
• It’s the ONLY car you’ll be driving.  For the rest of your life.

Would you plunk down the money, sight unseen?

Nope.

You’d be out taking drives with the biggest mega-smile on the planet, euphorically jumping from one upscale dealer to the next (taking me with you of course).

And because you’re spending $250K, you might even test each car out for a few days to see if this intricate machine is truly a good fit for you.

You’ll be caring for it for the next 50 years.

You’ll still need to love her when she becomes a classic with a lot more miles – and not as fast & shiny in 2064 as she is today.

How much more carefully crafted, the wife selection process should be.

Saying “Don’t date”, is like saying, “Don’t test drive.”

Now, I am not saying ‘get under her hood’. 

I am not saying ‘park her in your garage for the night.’ 

I am saying spend time with her.

In groups.

And alone.

By “alone”, I don’t mean in a dark secluded place at 3 a.m.

I don’t mean in your bedroom at your apartment when your roomies are out.

With the door shut.

Set boundaries and keep them.

And keep your pants on.

But, take her out.

Pay attention to how she acts and thinks.

Her words reveal the condition of her heart.

• Do your strengths and weaknesses balance each other out?
• Will she enhance your calling and destiny – or take away from it?
• How does she carry herself around others?
• What are her values?  What does she STAND for?

• Will you enjoy her “basic” features 50 years from now?
• Can she love you for who you are, not what you “do” or what you “have”?
• Do you find her attractive intellectually (not just physically)?
• How does she treat her parents?
• How is her relationship with her “first man” – her dad?  Her God?

…All things you’ll never know – without some test drives.

Take a Chance, Chris

Back to my young friend, Chris.

I remember him asking me point blank:

“Mark, it is OK to date?” 

 

I didn’t hesitate:  

 

“Do it! – Take her out!”

We talked about what practical steps to take and how to set boundaries physically.

When Chris learned that Lauren loves coffee, he made a surprise random coffee drink delivery.

He began taking her to her favorite coffee shops.  He noticed that she joined in on some of his activities at college too.

She began responding to his “moves” (women are responders) and seemed to enjoy spending time with him.

(Christopher and Lauren.  I have Journeyed with Chris since 2008.)

Factoid:
Women don’t  “hang.”  Guys “hang.”

Women “spend time.” 

At least that’s what my wife and girls tell me.

Make spending time meaningful, guys!

Listen intently, TV & Phones OFF.

Laptop closed.

Chris purposefully engaged in simple, non-threating conversations (work, school, music).

He listened.

He didn’t talk always talk about himself.

Guys, simple conversation is what builds trust.

Simple and transparent conversations lead to more personal conversations later.

If you don’t start by showing respect, listening, and earning her trust, she will never open up later.  It takes time for her (and for you) to build trust.

A few weeks later, Chris took a two hour walk with Lauren during the day – no one else around.

Deeper, more personal conversations surfaced.

How do I ask her out for a more “formal” date?

Why hint around?

Just ask naturally.

“I have enjoyed spending time with you, and I would like to get to know you better.  Would you go to dinner with me…?”  – works well.

Don’t ask her out by TEXT!!!

Lame.

What if she says ‘NO’?

What if it doesn’t work out?

One of three things may happen:

1.  CLOSED DOOR. You find you were not what each other first perceived.

The friendship will wane & grow cold over time.  It might fizzle out completely.

Not a bad thing.

The ‘rejection’ might hurt a little, but that is part of the test drive process.

Don’t try to “keep” someone long term, that shouldn’t be in your life long term.

2.  JUST FRIENDS.  You become better friends.

In the process, you learn more about the type of person you want to marry – realizing it may not be her.

You stay friends and that is it.  Not a bad thing.

You gained a female friend. Guys need female friends for insight that only females can give you.

Show them respect like sisters.

3.  YOUR GOOD THING.  You discover she seems “perfect” for you.  

She compliments your life, your vision, your calling. 

You grow closer, finding each other more attractive – spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically.  

You both desire to  pursue a deeper relationship such as engagement and marriage. 

Definitely not a bad thing.  

Also a perfect time to still keep your pants on.

You’ll have 50 years for unpanting.

“It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”  – – Genesis 2:18 NLT

Back to Chris.

Long story short.

They got married.

They are handsome and beautiful.

He test drove before buying.

I believe she’ll be the only one he’ll ever have.

(Christopher and Lauren)

So you’ve got some other questions:

– What about kissing and physical touch?

– Is going “part of the way” OK?  Is oral sex, still sex?

– Avoiding fornication (sex before marriage) if you want.  Is this possible?

Here’s a word of advice from one of the guys in my Inner Circle.  

As a married 30-something, my friend Daniel offers this great word for guys in the dating game:

The first thing I always think of when dating is having someone to hold you accountable. 

 

Of course, that is good at every stage of life, but especially when your hormones are telling you to take her clothes off.

(Danny and Lisa.  I have journeyed with Daniel since 2012.  He is an amazing husband and father of 4.)

– What about Popping the Question?

– How to Know When it’s Engagement Time? 

– I’m close to my mom – what will she think? And she WILL think!  (Read about Your Relationship with Mom, HERE)

We’ll try to hit on these topics in “How to Know She’s the One” – see Related Reading and Podcasts below…

For now, young men, let yourself off the “is dating OK”  hook.

Try not to figure it all out.

Have a good time – while setting boundaries.

Be yourself.

Be real.

Stay off your phone during the date.

Don’t worry about “impressing.”

Enjoy this part of your journey.

Take some test drives.

 You won’t master the test drive skill if your “quarter-of-a-million-dollar baby” never leaves the lot.

When is the time is “right” for you?  

Is it now?  

What practical moves can you make to begin finding your wife?

  

P.S.   During the Test Drive, Keep It In Your Pants.

And her hand does not need to be on your pants.

Her hand does not need to be in your pants.

You are not a pervert for getting a boner.

You are normal if you masturbate.

You are not a pervert for desiring sex.  But you can wait if you want to.

Why is he saying that AGAIN?

Cuz we need brotherly reminders in the heat of the moment.

– Mark

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