|  Mark Edward  |

I declared this in Part 1, but I’m gonna say it again:  

There’s a colossal boatload of lonely males in America.

Surrounded by buddies. Having no authentic friends.

We’re going all out on this site, and in our Mentoring Circles, to change that – by teaching young men how to nurture authentic friendships.

 

In Part 1, we talked about what I call The Man Tank™.   The Man Tank is that part of a man’s soul that longs for healthy, wholesome, long-lasting relationships with other males.

The Man Tank is why Athletes athlete together.  Creatives creative together.  Musicians musician together.

 

We looked at how The Man Tank can be filled on 3 distinct Plains.   In Part 2, we’re going to talk about

the 5 Levels of Friendship found on each of those distinct 3 Plains.

If you haven’t read Part 1, you’ll wanna do that first, to gain an understanding of The Three Plains of Authentic Friendships.  You can review  Part 1 HERE.

My College Room Mate and I
Cocoa Beach, Florida
1988
Yes.  You May Laugh.

It is pretty cool how friendships among males can navigate from one level to the next, quicker than you might think.

It’s not that difficult.

But it does take vulnerability.

It also takes a consistent effort.

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone.

 

A man, Sir, should keep his friendships in constant repair.

 

– – Samuel Johnson (1709 – 1784) British Lexicographer.

(credit: Getty)

Three Plains.  Five Levels.

On all 3 plains of Authentic Friendships, you will find Five Levels of Friendship.

While the concept of 3 Plains is original with me, there have been others who have previously written about the levels of friendship.

Inspired by posts from The Institute in Basic Life Principles, Steve Schappell, and others —  and giving credit to their posts,  I’ve developed my own hybrid version of the 5 levels of friendship by adding my life experiences to their research:

The Five Levels of Friendship

Level Zero

Someone you don’t know at all.

You pass on the sidewalk or in the elevator at work but you don’t converse, and you don’t know their name (because, of course, you are busy staring into The Glowing Rectangle in said elevator).

Some people need to REMAIN at this level!

This level also includes toxic and manipulative people.

Those person have no place in your life and should be blocked out and locked out at Level Zero.

 

The Blue Bottle Coffee Shop
Credit: Davity Dave

Level 1 | Pre-Acquaintances

We still don’t really know each other very well.

We might know each other’s first name only.  We ride the same public transit daily, or we pass in Starbucks or Publix often.

Maybe 15% of the people you know.

Pre-Acquaintances in One Word:  Polite

Level 2 | Acquaintances

General friends who meet via mutual friends.

Occasional Contacts.  A neighbor you run into at the bank.  We could also meet at social gatherings.

Work associates from a different department.  College mates from the same class but across the room.

Meetings are not planned.  You might know their first and last name, but very little about their personal life.

You can handle small talk with them for a few minutes, but any longer, and you fade out.

Superficial.  Maybe 30% of the people you know.

Acquaintances in One Word:  Surface

Level 3 | Casual Friendships

By asking the right questions at Level 2, you can elevate an Acquaintance to the Casual level.

Here, you have more common interests and goals.  You might be work mates on the same aisle or project.  You share some of the same concerns.

You’ve known each other longer.   You meet in groups, but rarely one on one.  You know a little about their kids & spouses.

These friends are not part of your Inner Circle for one reason or another, but they are important.  You can call and even text casually once in a while.  But not after 9 p.m.

Maybe 40 % of the people you know.

Casual Friendships in One Word: Outer Circle

Oops, that;s 2 words.

Level 4 | Close Friendships

Close friendships involve more than just common activities and concerns.

Besides that, we have a really good connection.   We have some meaningful conversations.

We care about each other a great deal.  We make plans to meet or talk regularly.

Michael J Luzecky
One of my Closest Male Friends
Since 1983

The Close Friendship requires bonding of the soul and spirit.

Our friendship involves us making investments in the lives of other to help one another fulfill our destinies.  Our walls are down.

When we have conflicts in our friendship, we attempt to resolve the carefully, tactfully, but honestly – because we value each other enough to keep the friendship.

Maybe 10 % of the people I know.

Close Friendships in one phrase:  Inner Circle

My friend Daniel Christopher Deal
We survived as Claims Adjusters in a loud, crazy, Call Center
Danny is a solid husband and father of 3.

Level 5 | Intimate Friendships

Mutual feelings of unconditional love.

We care immensely about each other in every area of life.   I care about your fears and ideas.  You know more of the very personal details of my life.

I get you.  You understand me. Complete honesty, transparency, vulnerability, complete acceptance, total discretion, comforting each other through the darkest black holes of life.

You have the freedom (which is earned over time) to point out one another’s blind spots — with possible solutions to overcome those blind spots.

Here, there is emotional safety, mutual respect, deep compassion, and the freedom to be yourself.  Fart even.

Maybe 5% of the guys you know.

Inner Circle in one phrase:  Unconditional Airtight Acceptance

Inside Level 5 is an ultimately higher level, to which you should elevate your spouse, and hopefully your children.

FLUX

It is important to realize that FLUX occurs within The Three Plains of Authentic Friendships™ and — that The Five Levels of Friendship within each plain — are not set in stone.

Don’t get caught up trying to label every male (or female) in your life.

A relationship may begin as a mentoring relationship (The Plain Beyond), but over time become a very close friendship, almost like peer (The Plain Beside).

A super close level 5 friendship may drift to a level 4 or 3 later in life – and back again.  Maybe.

Myself and My Two College Room Mates
Tulsa, Oklahoma – 1988

Guys can FLUX from one level to another level –  either direction – based on circumstances, life changes, and proximity — although, as I have proven out — proximity is less of a factor with technology.

Friendships do (and should) evolve to other levels – and sometimes even end –  as we grow and mature.

Although you can nurture and maintain a Life Time Friendship on any of the 3 Plains, it is also possible that men you thought would be your lifetime “Jonathan and David” brother  – may not be forever.

Yes.  That can hurt.

Your Capacity Can Increase

Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all 3 Plains?

And holy cow… 5 possible levels on each Plain?

Relax.  

Again, don’t get caught up in the concept.  As you meditate over this post, ask your Father God which steps you need to take to nurture your friendships on all 3 Plains.

For Plains – If you are lacking in Mentors,  start there.

For Levels – If you have 100 “Level 3” peers (casual friendships) but you’re dead in the water on “Level 5” peers (intimate friendships), then work on nourishing 2 or 3 of those peers up to Level 4.  Then Level 5.

The key is active nurturing.  Put that Glowing Rectangle to good use:  Call.  IM.  Text.  Meet.  Face to Face.  Plan it.  Follow up.  Repeat.

God can increase your capacity to love as you nurture friendships.

He’s done it for me.

 

Rejection, The Masculinity Exchange, Choosing Carefully

2005 – Rancho Mirage, California
This great young man, Jeremy Sean Carroll is
now an incredible mentor and pastor.
I don’t know anyone with a bigger passion for God.
And automobiles.
Our Mentoring Season changed, yet we are still closely bonded.

 

“I’ve Been Hurt Too Much”

Welcome to Manhood and Your Delicate Male Ego.

Yeah, you have to be vulnerable. Real. Yeah, someone will hurt you.

But you can grow from hurt and disappointment too — and become more secure because of that hurt.

Men don’t like to admit it, but, like every guy staring into the glowing rectangle at this moment, I have been temporarily wounded on all 3 plains by other men.

One of the most difficult bro break ups happened to me on The Plain Beside a few years back.  It was someone I cherished as a true Jonathan brother for 22 years.  That’s a long friendship.

During a dark time in his life, my friend confessed some personal faults so me — like his struggle with porn which was destroying his marriage.

(Stop it.  You don’t know him.  And I’m not going to post a picture of him.)

Suddenly, he dropped off the face of the earth.  Literally.

No reply to calls, emails, or texts.  I still don’t know why, other than maybe he felt he had become too vulnerable.  Pray for those friends that God will send other valuable laborers and friends into their path.

Be grateful for what you shared.  And what you learned.

Don’t let change, potential hurt, or rejection, keep you from nourishing other friendships on all 3 Plains. 

My friend James Owen Bristow – 1988
We led worship together.
We enjoyed Braum’s Ice Cream.
We had many long talks about girls and our sexual temptations.
We found out we were pretty normal.
That shirt though.

 

The Masculinity Exchange

In order for a young man to fully develop emotionally, there must be a distinct exchange of masculinity on all 3 Plains.

Momma can’t transfer it to you.

Your girlfriend or your wife can’t give you masculinity.

Porn for sure won’t do it.

Masculinity comes by rubbing elbows with, and being in the face of other men.

Choose Carefully.  Choose Wisely.  

Does your friend build you up and propel your forward?

Or tear you down and blast you backwards?   It might sound cheesy, but you can actually ask your Father God for wisdom on how to select the best lifetime friends.

And deselect the blasters.

Brenton Robert Miles
At 20, he was my boss on the Big House platform
when we led worship for 16,000 people.
Yet, he asked me to be one his mentors.
We are also Level Five friends.

Talk about FLUX.
He might be my boss again someday. 

Friendships Take Work

One of the innate gifts with which God has blessed me, is the ability to ignite & maintain friendships.

It is both a gift and a passion. It is something that comes natural — yet I still work at it.

Solid, meaningful relationships take consistent effort, and careful, loving effort at that.

There are “seasons” for some friendships, but there is also a deep and serene canyon for long-term friendships —  some life long.

The value of friendships that span 30 or 35 years is priceless.

I am maintaining several.

 

Cultivating them takes diligence, but once trust is founded, you have the opportunity to deeply influence one other for the better.

With influence, you can alter the course of someone’s life. You can be the catalyst that causes a person to make a critical Life Change.

You can impact another man’s legacy.

One God ordained friendship can change your own personal legacy and affect generations!

My great-grandchildren (who are yet to be born — who I plan on playing with someday), may live until the year 2125 or 2130.

Not only my family, but the great-grandchildren of my mentors, my peers, my friends, and the younger men I mentor —  will be trickle-down impacted by the quality of the relationships I maintain today.

Relationships are like treasures. More valued than ministry, possessions, money, big homes, or automobiles.

Well…  maybe not automobiles.

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Finding you have huge holes in your Man Tank?

It can happen if you’ve been wounded or abused by someone on one The Three Plains (Mentors, Peers, and Those You Mentor).

Ask a healthy mentor or peer to help you patch up those holes in your Man Tank by talking through those wounds, forgiving, and setting boundaries with whoever you need to.

 Don’t stay wounded.  

Bring the wall back down.  

Move on.

Determine to refill the Man Tank once again with God ordained Authentic Friendships on all Three Plains.

Nuggets on Friendship for
Your Word Arsenal

Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family. – Proverbs 18:24 MSG

 

And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. – I Samuel 18:3

 

 

Making it Real

Let’s Review Three Plains of Authentic Friendships:

• The Plain Beyond (Your Mentors)
• The Plain Beside (Your Peers)
• The Plain Behind (Those You are Mentoring)

On each plain, you may fluctuate across 5 various levels of friendship:

1. The Pre-Acquaintance
2. The Acquaintance
3. The Casual Friendship
4. The Close Friendship
5. The Intimate Friendship

I’m gonna say it again, gentlemen:

The happiest, most fulfilled, most well-rounded men in my Circle —  are those men whose Man Tank is full (or is in the process of being filled).  

 

On all 3 distinct plains.

Guys, I want to encourage you to reach out, take a risk, and alter someone else’s journey.

On all 3 Plains.  It makes for an immeasurably rich life.