I’d Rather Talk

The Mentoring Code

How Mentoring Works

Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God.
– First Peter 2:17

Date:

Mentor: Mark Edward

Mentee:

Preface

“The Mentoring Code” outlines in detail, how the mentoring process works.

You will need about 20 minutes to thoughtfully study this document.

Take some quality time to absorb what is shared in this agreement, without distraction or multi-tasking.

The information shared here will be vital for our success, should we choose to journey together in a mentoring relationship.

This agreement is not a legally binding contract.

Rather, it represents a formal, yet friendly agreement, bound by integrity, honor, loyalty, brotherhood, friendship, and discretion.

Confidentiality

The bedrock of a healthy mentoring relationship is trust.

Trust develops over time.

As the mentoring relationship progresses, trust is earned. Things will be shared that are personal in nature.

Fears, habits, moral errors, sexual challenges, LGBTQ questions, nourishing male friendships, dating, marriage and relationship needs, parenting struggles, work issues, childhood experiences, father pain, controlling mother pain, abuse, and many other topics – private in nature – will likely be discussed.

For a mentoring friendship to succeed, both parties shall protect and guard what is shared with utmost discretion.

Mutual confidentiality is expected, both toward the mentee and the mentor.

Occasionally, you or I might post pictures of you and I hanging out. This shows other men the value of the mentoring process.

However, I will always protect your privacy. You can be assured personal things we discuss will not be shared publicly without your permission.

We won’t post every meeting. Your friends and family don’t need to know what we talk about.

We don’t share your email or contact information with anyone without your consent.

Ever.

📷 David Camden Mueller
2016
A part of my Circle since April, 2008.
He was 17.

I never discuss the things you share with me with your significant other, family, work associates, or your peers – where your name is included, or any identifying information is given – without your permission.

I expect the same.

We most likely share common friends.

Still.

Our business is not their business.

Removing Layers

A vital part of the mentoring process is what I refer to as “removing layers.”

Layers are weights that hold a man back. Experiences, thoughts, or beliefs, things we’ve been taught, that literally weigh us down.

Imagine trying run a marathon with 100 extra pounds on your back. Or 150.

We begin carrying layers in our childhood and take on more in our teens and 20’s. Most layers are based on what others have said to us or about us – and – what we have told ourselves, rather than reality.

Together, we can strive to remove those layers so that you can be free to successfully run your own race. To lead yourself. To lead your family.

To begin piloting your plane – over time – with less help from the “Mentor Co-Pilot.”

Nathan Lawrence Ouellette
Former Airforce Phoenix Raven
Joined my Circle in Sept 2016
He was 20

First Contact

Yes, this was a Star Trek Movie and I stole the phrase, haha.

First Contact is the initial one on one conversation(s) where we get to know one another.

I am easy to talk to, and you will be comfortable quickly. In addition, I am Auditory and possess strong listening skills.

I am also transparent and pretty real – so feel free, with time, to be the same.

Removing The Masks

As time passes you should feel ready to open up more.

This process is different for every man.

Many men are so accustomed to wearing “the masks” that America expects us to wear.

They have not yet experienced the utter joy – and liberating freedom – of being vulnerable and real in a male friendship – let alone with their significant other.

Why Vulnerability?

Vulnerability Breeds Real Friendship.
(Mirazul Nessa – in my Circle since 2018, Co-Host of IRT Podcast EP2)

“I’ve Never Had a Mentor – How Does this Work?”

Six Week Foundation Period

Initially, I invite young men to launch the mentoring process by talking weekly, for 6 weeks.

Usually this takes about an hour a week for those 6 weeks.

It is most effective if both parties can commit to the same day and timeslot.

It takes a significant level of commitment to meet weekly for 6 weeks. However, this is where the foundation for possible future mentoring, growth, and change is laid.

A solid foundation is crucial for the “mentoring house” – or progress in your life – to eventually be built.

📷 Jose Jesus Romero – 2021
Part of my Circle since October, 2015.
He was 24.

After Six Weeks

After the 6-week foundation period, we will openly and candidly converse to determine if both the mentor and the mentee believe that further meetings would be fruitful.

Part of this decision involves:
1. Determining the areas in which you want to grow / change (setting goals).

2. Deciding if I am the right fit to be a catalyst for your growth.

3. Being willing to commit to 6 months of regular meeting initially; possibly more.

I maintain a “no hard feelings” attitude during this foundation period.

Although I believe in my skills and my Life Experience, I realize that what I have to offer may not be for everyone.

If I am not the best mentor for this season of your life, you should indeed seek an alternative.

Depending on your present mental health, you might also consider a therapist instead of – or – in addition to a Mentor if some of your “layers” include abuse, drugs, or trauma.

Six Months

Following the 6-week Foundation period, if both parties mutually agree that desired benefits exist, we will typically commit to weekly meetings for 6 months.

Why Weekly?

Over 39 years of mentoring, I have found the enormous commitment required to meet weekly brings the greatest fruit.

By far.

Big Investment. Big Return.

Bi-Weekly

Bi-weekly may also work, based on your schedule, but sometimes bears less fruit.

The close connection needed for removing layers and for personal growth can be more difficult to maintain on a bi-weekly schedule.

Monthly

Monthly meetings are typically reserved for later in The Mentoring Journey.

Monthly is not recommended to launch the mentoring relationship.

Monthly – or even quarterly – can work well for casual checking in, affirmation, maintenance, “repairs,” and follow up – but – not for maintaining the Inner Circle relationship best suited for growth and change.

Monthly meetings are not conducive for the time and commitment required to “remove layers.”

What Happens After Six Months?

At the end of the first 6 months, the mutual evaluation process will be revisited.

Are weekly meetings still helpful?
Are you making changes and progressing?
Do we still like each other?

JK on that last one LOL. If we don’t like each other, we should stop meeting after 6 weeks, not six months, haha.

Often, meetings do continue.

📷 Aaron Jeffrey Ammon
and his lovely bride
A part of my Circle since Jan 2020
He was 29

However, there is no set time span for weekly meetings.

The space is yours as long as you need it.

As long as it helps.

I have met weekly with guys ranging from a few months to several years.

Just because we met for years, did not mean they had some deep dark secrets to work through.

I am so delighted when guys stay around long enough to learn to pass it forward.

To duplicate what they have received.

To learn to Mentor.

The Relationship Will Evolve

Over time — our Weekly, Biweekly, Monthly, Quarterly, or even Biannual contact may evolve as your goals are reached.

You may find you are ready to “pilot your plane” – with less support.

It is OK to move back and forth between frequency timeframes – depending on your needs and challenges in life.

📷 Christopher Michael Rudolph
In my Circle since 2008.
He was 19.
Chris has been a member of my
Life Long Inner Circle Since 2019.

“So As I Progress, Can I Stick Around?
I’ve Never Had a Friendship Like This.”

I hear this often.

I am deeply humbled by it, and saddened that so many men journey alone.

Fifty-One percent of the guys who we have mentored over the last 40 years, still have regular contact with us.

Though Weekly meetings might eventually taper off (some weekly meetings last for years) – many young men have become my closest friends, with Inner Circle Friendship continuing, or even the distinct possibility of a Lifelong Inner Circle Commitment being offered, as the years pass.

Yes. Stick Around. ‘Til you are old. And I am really old.

In the Age of IG, Snapchat, and TikTok, many men have no idea what Long Term Friendship looks like.

It’s easy to Block.

Delete.

Go to the next new friend.

In disagreement, fear, or discomfort, they bolt. They ghost.

I will stick with you. If you will stick with me.

That is the value of a Two-Way Street.

Multiple Mentors

I don’t know everything.

Late one evening, years ago, Brenton Robert Miles exclaimed in his parking lot, “You are like Abraham or Moses!” I chuckled then. I chuckle now. He was 21, and green LOL.

Don’t forget how flawed those men were.

Abraham couldn’t wait for Isaac, so Ishmael was born. He lied. He was passive with his nephew, Lot. Moses was afraid and had anger issues!

I am a reader, researching and evolving, yet, the more I mature, the more I realize there are some areas in which I don’t know much.

Thus, I encourage men to have multiple mentors for the varying needs and seasons of their journey.

Fees

Mark Edward aka I’d Rather Talk does not charge for Mentoring at this time.

We do charge fees for Pre-Marriage Counseling and Officiating Weddings.

In the future, we may charge for Life Coaching.

However, Life Coaching goals and results are markedly different than the relationship between Mentor and Mentee. My passion is still effective, healthy, long term mentoring.

Read Why we don’t charge for Mentoring HERE

📷 She’s an Extra Mom to Many

I Welcome Donations and Monthly Support for Mentoring

I do incur costs in maintaining our website, and in meals and travel to help young men in crisis.

Currently, there are 30 young men from 9 states in my “Active” Circle. Active, meaning we meet or talk regularly.

You can imagine the encouragement and support those men need.

I have contact with 7 to 10 young men daily. I conduct 4 to 5 formal mentoring meetings weekly.

To “be present” as a Mentor requires time and finances.

📷 Devon Robert Mueller and
Jordan Daniel Mueller
and their dad, Robert
Devon joined my Circle in 2008. He was 19.
We also met Jordan in 2008 – He was 15.
Jordan “officially” came into my Circle in 2015, at 22.

In 2020, Jamie and I gave $2,727.44 of our personal funds for gas, meals, coffee shops, & annual fees for Mentoring from our personal account.

Often, guys ask how they can help.

You may donate, at your discretion, to I’d Rather Talk, via the donate tab on I’d Rather Talk’s website.

Any funds received go into a separate account, and are carefully managed for:

● Weekly Mentoring Meetings (coffee shops, mentoring meals)
● Gasoline and Tolls
● Travel Costs to Be Present in Person – for Young Men in Crisis
● Annual fees for web hosting and podcast platforms

How Are Donations Utilized? – HERE

My goal is to build and maintain our Mentoring Account which is utilized to personally fly to, or drive to, men in the midst of personal crisis.

Serious life changing events happen regularly to the young men in this Circle around the Nation, such as death of a family member, divorce, loss of work.

You can help us show up and lock arms in person.

Social Media and Email

By acknowledging this agreement, you agree for us to add your email to our private secured database, for occasional emails from I’d Rather Talk.

Part of your inspiration may come from occasional posts on FB or IG.

We ask you to follow I’d Rather Talk on FB or IG; not because we care about followers, but because it will help you get to know my heart.

Perhaps you can gain a nugget of wisdom or inspiration.

When mentoring shifts from “Inner Circle” to “Outer Circle” (not a bad thing), and regular meetings transition to occasional – at that time you are free to unsubscribe from our emails or unfollow our social media if desired.

Most guys continue to follow us and gain wisdom from our emails even into their 40’s – you don’t have to unsubscribe ☺.

Honesty and Ghosting

Ghosting occurs when people suddenly disappear.

Fall off the map. Stop returning texts or calls, with no explanation. Maybe you know those people. It sucks.

This behavior may be expected in the teen years. It has no place in a mentoring relationship where a young man has reached his 20’s or 30’s. I am a friendly chill dude. However, I don’t tolerate “ghosting.”

Ghosting quickly deteriorates the progress of the mentoring relationship.

We all miss an occasional text. Yet, the glowing rectangle is in our hand several hours a day.

Responses need not be immediate. We can train ourselves to review messages a couple of times a day and respond appropriately.

Let’s Affirm

Rather than Ghost, let’s Affirm.

When the time comes for our conversations to adjust, let’s celebrate your progress, instead of you disappearing.

Together, we can determine what works best for you down the road.

This may include reduced meetings over time. Healthy friendships evolve and change for the better.

Or – we might decide to meet more often. There is no set pattern.

“I Got What I Need. Peace Out!”

When guys ghost, it might indicate the mentoring relationship was one sided and incomplete.

They didn’t stick with it long enough to reach the maturity level where they are strong enough — and wise enough to give back. To pass it forward.

Or, it could mean he wasn’t fully ready for change and growth.

It is my biggest grief as a Mentor.

Don’t bail.

Don’t parachute out.

Instead, as layers are removed, gain life skills to pilot your own plane. And take some others with you.

Mark and Jeremy Sean Carroll
Jeremy came into my Circle in 2000.
He was 25.
We met weekly for 5 years.
Jeremy is now a successful Minister, Husband,
Father of 2 young adults, and a Mentor
(Our old original logo! 😲)

Bittersweet

Your independence is bittersweet. But you – “piloting your own plane” – is the ultimate goal.

Do not fear this.

This does not mean you fly alone.

I’d like to stay on board (in first class LOL) if you allow.

I can come up to the cock pit occasionally to catch up – or help you steady the plane during storms.

If you are about to crash into a mountain or you find yourself disoriented or in crisis, the trip from First Class back up to the Co-Pilot seat is easy – if you’ve allowed me to stay on board.

Just a call or text away.

Ask for help when you need it. As a mature man, I still ask for help.

Isolation is a form of pride.

📷 Chase Austin Butler
Joined my Circle in January 2021
Fellow Musician and Fellow Enneagram Two!

Thicker Than Thieves

Over time, some – not all – mentoring relationships become what I call “Thicker Than Thieves.”

Thicker Than Thieves – #TTT – describes a relationship between men that is intimate.

By intimate, I do not mean sexual.

#TTT is a phrase describing a close personal bond between two or more guys who become inseparable friends.

When guys are Thicker Than Thieves, they share confidences, spend time together occasionally, and nourish the friendship throughout life.

The phrase suggests that those who are Thicker Than Thieves will not forsake or betray the other person – regardless of life’s pressures.

Personally, I believe every man craves this type of bond.

Can We Remain Friends?

Yes.

One of my strengths is modeling long term friendship, by example.

As they grow and mature, guys often desire to remain close in the friendship, even after the mentoring relationship transitions from weekly (inner circle) to monthly, quarterly, or as needed (outer circle, maintenance, and booster talks).

The desire to remain close is not a sign of weakness.

It is a sign of maturity, strength, and wisdom.

Healthy friendships are like the tide of the Ocean. The tide goes out. The tide comes back.

The water and the sand remain connected, regardless of the ebb and flow of the tide.

When we are no longer meeting regularly, we can remain connected in our souls if you desire.

I have found that every man craves authentic friendship.

Most don’t have it.

Daniel Christopher Deal – Dec 2012
In My Circle since January 2012
He was 28

The Doctor is Out

While I have a ministry degree, I am not a doctor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

Should you agree to enter a mentoring relationship, understand that a mentoring relationship is intended to provide education, wisdom, friendship, affirmation, encouragement, and personal insights.

Your progress, growth, change, and conquering of your Goals is up to you. I am simply the facilitator.

The Mentoring relationship is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute or replacement for, professional medical or psychiatric advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

If you have or suspect you have a medical or psychiatric condition or problem, contact a professional healthcare provider.

Read more disclaimers here:

Agreement of Honor

This is a lot to absorb! Thanks for giving your time.

Prior to signing, please give considerable thought to what we have shared here.

By signing your First, Middle and Last Name Below, you understand, agree to, and will abide by the terms of this Agreement, The Mentoring Code, as outlined above.

YOUR NAME: ________________________________________________________

DATE:____/____/______

I look forward to sharing a meal with you soon.

Even if we are in different cities, we will make this happen.

– Mark Edward

The IRT Comic Bubble, Helping Men Find Answers™, Advancing and Enhancing Your Legacy™, The Mentoring Code™, and ‘Til You Are Old – And I am Really Old™, are trademarks of Mark Edward and I’d Rather Talk.